continued from below...
this one really is causing me shortness of breath and physicall pain. tears are close to meeting my eyes. how can it be that i've hungered so long for a sliver of hope and now it's safe and saved in my inbox. i'm scared; terrified but now that i have the bow of the nice package and am ripping it off; needing to destroy the mere words and come to understand them.
are we meant to delve into our psyche and attach words and phrases to each feeling and action? am i not at odds with myself by trying to detach from my painful feelings. no. facing those feelings. understanding, accepting those are the keys, the keys, the keys to breaking the feelings and fears and actions that enslave me. the agony of isolation, the refusal to allow others to see the softer side of me. the refusal to allow myself see the real me. i am who i am because i have diluted the goodness in me. i have poisoned my mind with fears, apprehensions, memories of past failures, future worries. what am i accomplishing by continuing to think like this? nothing but letting life pass me by. missing out on the wonderfulness of life. life in the way that defies definition. the hurt that life brings, the good friends life brings, the assholes life brings, the conflicts life brings, the confrontations life brings, life, life, life. i feel the anger and hurt and passion welling up inside of me. want to channel this into myself. me me me. it's all about me. who is me.
me = fears, hatred, bigotry, passive, low self-esteem, vulnerable but refusing to show it, escapist, hypocrite, kind, loving, loved, intelligent, tortured, healthy, scared. wearer of 'i'm alright' smile around people. yearning to be alone; my favorite companion. so much has been laid before me. my mind is working doubleplus trying to process it all. impossible to do all at once. will i sleep tonight? will my hand keep up with what my mind is spewing? will the burning in my gut burn a hole tonight? will i shed my old skin for a raw exterior. will i stop focusing on others and finally throw no not her but myself a crumb. will i take my own advice and learn to love me for me. the present me and not the one i wish to be. the one that is here. not the me that could/should be here. how is worrying about the future helping me now? overloaded and brimming with anger, hurt but cautious optimism too.
are we meant to delve into our psyche and attach words and phrases to each feeling and action? am i not at odds with myself by trying to detach from my painful feelings. no. facing those feelings. understanding, accepting those are the keys, the keys, the keys to breaking the feelings and fears and actions that enslave me. the agony of isolation, the refusal to allow others to see the softer side of me. the refusal to allow myself see the real me. i am who i am because i have diluted the goodness in me. i have poisoned my mind with fears, apprehensions, memories of past failures, future worries. what am i accomplishing by continuing to think like this? nothing but letting life pass me by. missing out on the wonderfulness of life. life in the way that defies definition. the hurt that life brings, the good friends life brings, the assholes life brings, the conflicts life brings, the confrontations life brings, life, life, life. i feel the anger and hurt and passion welling up inside of me. want to channel this into myself. me me me. it's all about me. who is me.
me = fears, hatred, bigotry, passive, low self-esteem, vulnerable but refusing to show it, escapist, hypocrite, kind, loving, loved, intelligent, tortured, healthy, scared. wearer of 'i'm alright' smile around people. yearning to be alone; my favorite companion. so much has been laid before me. my mind is working doubleplus trying to process it all. impossible to do all at once. will i sleep tonight? will my hand keep up with what my mind is spewing? will the burning in my gut burn a hole tonight? will i shed my old skin for a raw exterior. will i stop focusing on others and finally throw no not her but myself a crumb. will i take my own advice and learn to love me for me. the present me and not the one i wish to be. the one that is here. not the me that could/should be here. how is worrying about the future helping me now? overloaded and brimming with anger, hurt but cautious optimism too.
posted by be who you are at 12:03 AM
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