deconstructing me
in order to make sense of the jumbledness that is me, i've decided to dismember my two-ness.
** Special Gift: Warmth and ability to help people feel comfortable
** Self-Definition: "I'm helpful."
** Shadow Issue: Parasitic pride
according to dictionary.com, parasite: an organism that lives on or in an organism of another species, known as the host, from the body of which it obtains nutriment
can i get a hell yes. my shadow issue is parasitic pride and as bitter as that taste is in my mouth, i am grateful i now know it. the funny thing is i've always *known* it but have never allowed it to rise up to the surface and confront it. i do indeed take pleasure through others. whether that be their view of me, approval/dissapproval of me, their successes/failures. i tend to completely forget that i am a living human being and put my needs dead last. i would much rather help my friends and family at my own expense. i was about to do it just yesterday. i was about to other financial help to someone knowing full well that i am in no position to part with money so recklessly. this is my coping mechanism as much as repression is and i must go mano a mano with it. how long can i continue to exhaust myself by doing for others? until others finally notice me? until the abyss of self love is full? can it ever be full if i'm not contributing to it? people like me b/c i'm nice and funny. i have always been nice and funny. hell, i even won best personality award back in 5th grade. i have always been about gaining others' approvals to convert into my fuel. nothing upsets me more than not having everyone on my side or not like me. as i write this, i also realize this is something that i became focused on working on a few months ago and am tediously laboring on changing it. can it be changed or simply modified? so far my work tends to lean towards modification only.
* life task: To move from dependence on approval to knowledge of personal strength to meet one's own needs. This usually requires personal loss. The resulting depression can lead to a more accurate self-assessment and understanding of tasks.
i'm moving, i'm moving as fast as i can without it being bullshit. i could very easily bury my parasitic tendencies and fantasies underground and pretend i'm cured but i know that will only lead to more pain and frustration and more obstacles for my already too cluttered brain to overcome. recognizing this trait is the first step towards conquering it. the 'personal loss' the above statement talks about has been happening to me. i lost the closest person i had; myself. i lost myself to drugs and apathy. i'm steering her back to me now and everyday i like her more and more.
** Special Gift: Warmth and ability to help people feel comfortable
** Self-Definition: "I'm helpful."
** Shadow Issue: Parasitic pride
according to dictionary.com, parasite: an organism that lives on or in an organism of another species, known as the host, from the body of which it obtains nutriment
can i get a hell yes. my shadow issue is parasitic pride and as bitter as that taste is in my mouth, i am grateful i now know it. the funny thing is i've always *known* it but have never allowed it to rise up to the surface and confront it. i do indeed take pleasure through others. whether that be their view of me, approval/dissapproval of me, their successes/failures. i tend to completely forget that i am a living human being and put my needs dead last. i would much rather help my friends and family at my own expense. i was about to do it just yesterday. i was about to other financial help to someone knowing full well that i am in no position to part with money so recklessly. this is my coping mechanism as much as repression is and i must go mano a mano with it. how long can i continue to exhaust myself by doing for others? until others finally notice me? until the abyss of self love is full? can it ever be full if i'm not contributing to it? people like me b/c i'm nice and funny. i have always been nice and funny. hell, i even won best personality award back in 5th grade. i have always been about gaining others' approvals to convert into my fuel. nothing upsets me more than not having everyone on my side or not like me. as i write this, i also realize this is something that i became focused on working on a few months ago and am tediously laboring on changing it. can it be changed or simply modified? so far my work tends to lean towards modification only.
* life task: To move from dependence on approval to knowledge of personal strength to meet one's own needs. This usually requires personal loss. The resulting depression can lead to a more accurate self-assessment and understanding of tasks.
i'm moving, i'm moving as fast as i can without it being bullshit. i could very easily bury my parasitic tendencies and fantasies underground and pretend i'm cured but i know that will only lead to more pain and frustration and more obstacles for my already too cluttered brain to overcome. recognizing this trait is the first step towards conquering it. the 'personal loss' the above statement talks about has been happening to me. i lost the closest person i had; myself. i lost myself to drugs and apathy. i'm steering her back to me now and everyday i like her more and more.
posted by be who you are at 10:57 PM
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