chutes too narrow
1. Face the prison I am living in without any self-defense. Without seeking escapes from it.
The bars to my prison are titanium steel bastards that nullify any new information from getting in and restrict all information getting out to preapproved data only. I've had almost 30 years to build these barriers to seperate myself from others. Monstrous cylindrical bars composed of the hardest, cruelest and most contagious matters known to man. A liberal helping of angst, apathy, apprehension, loneliness, lack of self-love, laziness, mixed with an undefinable superiority complex and geniune care for others make up but a small measurement of the cell I've been living in. The supporting beams are mere shadow & illusory manifestations of the inummerable fears my mind mass-produces. The dichotomy that I am caught up in is not lost on me. I titled my blog, misanthrope because I am a follower of that ism. Misanthrope is defined as "a hater of humankind". I agree but I don't agree. I am permanently forked in that I don't care too much for people yet have a deep and unexplained love for them. I take no greater pleasure than helping others with their problems and pains; all the while ignorning my own, of course. My so-called love is reserved for the elderly stranger I see waiting for the bus, the young woman walking with grocery bags in one hand and holding her young child's hand with the other. Rarely does this love extend to me actually making the effort of getting close to these strangers. If you are lucky enough (ha!) to get my attention, I will then shower you with love. This love will probably reside inside my head and I will try not to let it make too many appearances for I don't want you to know that I need your approval desperately to make myself happy. This is one of my many addictions. Feeling better about myself through others' glasses.
My problems are my own and unless I grant you special permission to enter my barred cage, no one will know of them. My bff's don't know the real me and I've let them into my cell repeatedly. My problems are my problems alone and that's how I'd like them to remain. They are my security blanket, my constant companions. Burying them is the propellant I use to get through my days. As I write this I can't comprehend how I've been living. I seek only palliative remedies to my headaches; never seek a cure. Maybe if I run away enough times, the cure will turn out to be this running away; but of course I know that's wrong. It's been wrong and will forever be wrong. The only way I can be happy is to not just face my fears but to accept them. Understand them. Use no judgement; use no condemnation.
" The mind will always create problems; but what is essential is that when we make mistakes, when we are in pain, to meet these mistakes, these pains without judgements, to look at them without condemation; to live with them and let them go by." (Krishnamurti Total Freedom p203).
To live with them and let them go by..with no condemnation; with no judgement. This is the quest that I am embarking on. As minute as letting spelling errors be, this is a small but necessary step I need to break free from my prison. My own version of Prison Break where the star is Me and my costars are all the panic & phobias I have turned my back on for so long. If I don't discern who I am, how am I really contributing to my life and others? Yes, I am helpful and love to give but each time I give I am tearing more of myself out and slowly draining myself of life and vitality. It is time I balance the giving to others with giving to myself. Not superficial & materialistic goods but look within myself and give what I need. I need to pay attention to my emotions, my intellectual & spiritual hunger. Filling this void with another crush or another religious design makes for just another bandaid covering; the deep festering wound is still underneath. Stop trying to find solutions and answers through others and look in for the results. I cannot be sure I will like what I find but it is *what it is* and I will accept it and it will accept me and I will then live.
The bars to my prison are titanium steel bastards that nullify any new information from getting in and restrict all information getting out to preapproved data only. I've had almost 30 years to build these barriers to seperate myself from others. Monstrous cylindrical bars composed of the hardest, cruelest and most contagious matters known to man. A liberal helping of angst, apathy, apprehension, loneliness, lack of self-love, laziness, mixed with an undefinable superiority complex and geniune care for others make up but a small measurement of the cell I've been living in. The supporting beams are mere shadow & illusory manifestations of the inummerable fears my mind mass-produces. The dichotomy that I am caught up in is not lost on me. I titled my blog, misanthrope because I am a follower of that ism. Misanthrope is defined as "a hater of humankind". I agree but I don't agree. I am permanently forked in that I don't care too much for people yet have a deep and unexplained love for them. I take no greater pleasure than helping others with their problems and pains; all the while ignorning my own, of course. My so-called love is reserved for the elderly stranger I see waiting for the bus, the young woman walking with grocery bags in one hand and holding her young child's hand with the other. Rarely does this love extend to me actually making the effort of getting close to these strangers. If you are lucky enough (ha!) to get my attention, I will then shower you with love. This love will probably reside inside my head and I will try not to let it make too many appearances for I don't want you to know that I need your approval desperately to make myself happy. This is one of my many addictions. Feeling better about myself through others' glasses.
My problems are my own and unless I grant you special permission to enter my barred cage, no one will know of them. My bff's don't know the real me and I've let them into my cell repeatedly. My problems are my problems alone and that's how I'd like them to remain. They are my security blanket, my constant companions. Burying them is the propellant I use to get through my days. As I write this I can't comprehend how I've been living. I seek only palliative remedies to my headaches; never seek a cure. Maybe if I run away enough times, the cure will turn out to be this running away; but of course I know that's wrong. It's been wrong and will forever be wrong. The only way I can be happy is to not just face my fears but to accept them. Understand them. Use no judgement; use no condemnation.
" The mind will always create problems; but what is essential is that when we make mistakes, when we are in pain, to meet these mistakes, these pains without judgements, to look at them without condemation; to live with them and let them go by." (Krishnamurti Total Freedom p203).
To live with them and let them go by..with no condemnation; with no judgement. This is the quest that I am embarking on. As minute as letting spelling errors be, this is a small but necessary step I need to break free from my prison. My own version of Prison Break where the star is Me and my costars are all the panic & phobias I have turned my back on for so long. If I don't discern who I am, how am I really contributing to my life and others? Yes, I am helpful and love to give but each time I give I am tearing more of myself out and slowly draining myself of life and vitality. It is time I balance the giving to others with giving to myself. Not superficial & materialistic goods but look within myself and give what I need. I need to pay attention to my emotions, my intellectual & spiritual hunger. Filling this void with another crush or another religious design makes for just another bandaid covering; the deep festering wound is still underneath. Stop trying to find solutions and answers through others and look in for the results. I cannot be sure I will like what I find but it is *what it is* and I will accept it and it will accept me and I will then live.
posted by be who you are at 5:11 PM
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