I can't hold this smile. I can't hide this pain.

i really thought i'd have a new theme song by now but um, not so much. come w/me by deviates is the accompanying score as i sleep-walk thru life.

she said face your fear and come with me.
take a chance and take my hand so
you can see everything you know you'll never have.
everything you know you want but fate killed your plans.
fill this hole inside of me.
i can't stand the ache this pain is killing me.
those who have suffered will understand
that pain is welcome when it's all you have left...
the list of wrongs I write no one can read.
I know the scars are shared but we can never speak.
I can smile outside, I can smile and say I'm all right.

this fucking song encapsulates all i want to say. all i feel.

i can to an astounding revelation while i was in the shower; the only place i can have some privacy. i have lost the last 14 years of my life. i have numbed myself and runaway from my feelings for so long, i do not the coping mechanisms to understand them. they're there. erupting thru my skin and leaving bleeding, pussing sores but i don't know how to alleviate the pain. it has to be permanent cures or a multitude of palliative remedies that i will fool myself into believing are long term. i cannot go back on meds. i tried that shit for awhile but it only added additional layers of padding to myself. no feelings in/no feelings out.