looky, looky what i found out
hi. my name is d & i'm codependent. many codependents equate love w/pain...well, duh. isn't love the same as pain? how can one exist without the other? why is this such a revelation to me? love is pain is love, no? yes! unbreaking this bond is going to take some time for me. if can even break it. love and pain have always co-existed in my universe. from my crap relationships to my parents to siblings to friends. everyone has let me down in their own special way. i'm sure the pedestal i put everyone but myself on doesn't make their betrayal any less stinging.
i am codependent. that bombshell still rings in my ears. never in a bizzion years would i have thought to use that adjective to describe me. i've certainly used it during my amateur shrink hour but moi? no way! a great deal of what i'm reading though is oh so freaking true. i measure my self-worth by how others view me. does she/he like me? did i make them smile or laugh? i would much rather be known as 'the funny one' than to let people *know* me. thinking back over my whole, life it's no wonder i've always just been hanging around the periphery. i was too consumed with acting cool and keeping my problems in check that i kept adding more and more bricks to the impenetrable wall around me. all my life i've never been able to get or allow people to get close to me. the punchline is of course, that these are the same people i derive my happiness from. i recognize i am co-dependent but at the same time i see & feel the chains i use to attach to others is slowly being pulled apart. clumsily & methodically but off it will come.
can this be cured? or will this become another exercise in modification? when i have thoughts of her or him or whatever pop in my head, do i shove them out and replace them with 'non co-dependy' thoughts? isn't that just as bad? using the too familiar cover up effect? am i destined to just learn to live with this? i don't want to be like this. i want to focus half of the energy that i use to focus on others on myself. why is it so hard for me to accept and love me? i can't look at a pic of myself w/o critizing. i can't look at my previous posts w/o cringing at the misspellings but i will not go back and correct them. i correct them as i write but i will not go back and edit spelling errors from months ago. point me. i want to take a break from my brain for a bit. i wish i could just turn it off. it makes me dizzy and my stomach feels all funny now. codependent and scared and unhappy with my progress am i. need to go reread my hand written journal for some inspiration. need to feed my soul with some reading. can't sit here and keep writing cause i will just depress the hell out of me. i'm a good person dammit. i have people who love and care for me. i have my health, i have shelter, i have a job, i have some money in my pocket. why can't i focus on the positive and leave the negative behind at least for a few freaking minutes. because i'm me and this is how i've managed to wire my brain. untangling the loose wires is on my to do list. i'll get to it, i'll get to it.
i am codependent. that bombshell still rings in my ears. never in a bizzion years would i have thought to use that adjective to describe me. i've certainly used it during my amateur shrink hour but moi? no way! a great deal of what i'm reading though is oh so freaking true. i measure my self-worth by how others view me. does she/he like me? did i make them smile or laugh? i would much rather be known as 'the funny one' than to let people *know* me. thinking back over my whole, life it's no wonder i've always just been hanging around the periphery. i was too consumed with acting cool and keeping my problems in check that i kept adding more and more bricks to the impenetrable wall around me. all my life i've never been able to get or allow people to get close to me. the punchline is of course, that these are the same people i derive my happiness from. i recognize i am co-dependent but at the same time i see & feel the chains i use to attach to others is slowly being pulled apart. clumsily & methodically but off it will come.
can this be cured? or will this become another exercise in modification? when i have thoughts of her or him or whatever pop in my head, do i shove them out and replace them with 'non co-dependy' thoughts? isn't that just as bad? using the too familiar cover up effect? am i destined to just learn to live with this? i don't want to be like this. i want to focus half of the energy that i use to focus on others on myself. why is it so hard for me to accept and love me? i can't look at a pic of myself w/o critizing. i can't look at my previous posts w/o cringing at the misspellings but i will not go back and correct them. i correct them as i write but i will not go back and edit spelling errors from months ago. point me. i want to take a break from my brain for a bit. i wish i could just turn it off. it makes me dizzy and my stomach feels all funny now. codependent and scared and unhappy with my progress am i. need to go reread my hand written journal for some inspiration. need to feed my soul with some reading. can't sit here and keep writing cause i will just depress the hell out of me. i'm a good person dammit. i have people who love and care for me. i have my health, i have shelter, i have a job, i have some money in my pocket. why can't i focus on the positive and leave the negative behind at least for a few freaking minutes. because i'm me and this is how i've managed to wire my brain. untangling the loose wires is on my to do list. i'll get to it, i'll get to it.
posted by be who you are at 11:06 PM
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