rainy wednesday blues

they grow up so fast. i've just been perusing my little sister's myspace posting and can't pinpoint when she became such an intelligent young lady. her blog is not your typical 15 year old rants about boyz n skool (ugh!). she has an incredibly level head on her shoulders and am damn proud of her. i'm about to go off to watch the season finale of project runway. one of the only shows that i still watch religiously. i hope, hope, hope michael knight wins. he's a brilliant designer and seems like the coolest dude ever. feeling kinda blah & bored right now. i have an obscene amount of free time on my hands and i need to find something to fill it up with before i go mental from all the thinking i do. i think about myself/ where i'm going/ why i'm not there yet/ why i feel i don't measure up to others/ how long will i have to fake it to keep people away/ so much to process and sort out that i'd prefer to lie in bed all day sometimes. i don't know why i get like this. am i making a big deal out of my broken self? does that sentence even make sense? as much as i enjoy writing for writing's sake, i crave more. i crave critiques and i want this to come easier for me. i want, want, want my brain to stop making me feel bad about myself and just accept me for me. with my limitations and strengths. i cannot keep slipping backward after taking sizeable steps forward. is it rainy wednesday blues? no clue but that's what i'll blame it on today. maybe tomorrow i'll face it and try to actual find my answer.