can i please get some sleep

yes boys and girls it really is 2:39am. welcoming monday with insomnia, a heavy heart and an even heavier head. this summer has truly turned out to be crap. 6 weeks and counting of being unemployed. 6 weeks of feeling ill, scared, inadequate and a bit lazy. my girl has had 3 jobs in this time and i've had zero. i'm letting her down. she says i'm not but i feel as if i am. where is my motivation to get my shit together? it's down there somewhere buried deep under all my cynicism and insecurities. the luxury of not having a job is no longer an option. get one, i must.

i'm sad. very sad. i'm lonely at this late hour. i want to wake my girl up to keep me company but she starts that aforementioned third job in a few hours. i'm not even tired. i want to be tired. i want to fall asleep and wake up refreshed with a new job awaiting me. fuck, if that were the case, i'd a had one weeks ago. instead, we get to worry over money and not how to spend our 1 yr/ my 30th birthday.

life is hard. being broke is harder. misty's still up with me, though. just me and the cat. somehow that sounds less depressing than it reads. this is shit. my girl deserves so much more than what i'm giving her. she is so good to me. diamonds and gold are flawed gems compared to her. how i love her. how i need her to keep loving me. only with her love and support am i going to be able to make it. i love you babyness. i love you.