the day after

i don't want to feel upset but i do. i feel angry, i feel lost, i feel frustrated, i feel inadequate. the sliver of world that had been cut for me since january has been unceremoniously yanked away. no time to grieve, no time to reflect, no time to miss- just say your awkward goodbyes and leave that bit behind. it's so damn quiet in this house. the silence only serves to amplify the din in my brain. i need time, i need time to mourn my loss. i need time to adjust to our new ways. i need to cry, i need to just go to sleep to keep from thinking about it.

did anyone lose their keys

no one ever tells you what to expect once you leave the smelly halls of high school; besides the cliched "welcome to the real world" tip. i'm ill prepared to function in this world. sure i've coasted along for ten + years since i said adios to my alma mater but it wasn't until a scant ten months ago that i actually felt any connection to the so called real world. any happiness i'm now marinating in is the result of having found my reason for continuing to plug away at what's expected of me.

i don't get the rules of society and yet i don't know how to not play by them. am i crying foul because i'm still sitting on the bench?

i need money-to live, to survive, to be entertained. i need a roof over my head. i need to make sure my girl's protected. am i needing more interaction with culture to keep from feeling adrift in this hard, cold city? no se. so frustrating because i don't know what i need. love? beer? weed? sex? all of the above. what else? a job? a career? do i want one or both? how 'bout helping others? do i care enough about others to put any effort into affecting their existences? how 'bout tacos? i'd love some tacos right now.

why is it so hard to be a grown up?

how am i supposed to prepare for the next fifty years if i can't even prepare for today. where did all this come from? it made it's presence known last nite while watching sytycd. nothing like ingesting fluff to make you regurgitate life's big questions. i want the answer dammit, i need it. will i ever get my response? will i ever stop questioning why, how, where? the overuse of question marks in this post is making my head hurt. maybe go for tacos or something. overindulge in hot sauce so my stomach's churning drowns out the churnings of my ever frenetic mind. that's a lame response. but it's the only one i've got.

let's go away for awhile. you and i.

I want to go away. I want to live a life with no attachments other than to you. Not knowing what's around the corner but not caring too much either. I don't want to be constrained by what society dictates. Why do I need a job that will pay the bills but make me miserable? Why must we continue to drag our bodies out of bed each morning just so we can keep playing this game that is inherently unfair. We're poor and we'll always be poor. This country is not made for us. This country doesn't care about us. We work and toil at jobs where people don't recognize our skills and talent; all for a monetary validation that always falls short of our true value.

I want to say goodbye to the familiar. Step out into the unknown and be scared with you. Welcome uncertainty, fear, anxiety for other reasons other than family drama into our lives. Let's go overseas, down south anywhere but where these roots are strangling us. Quicksand anyone? We have no obligations other than bills, is that how we're going to live our lives? Are we going to let the almighty dollar tell us how to live the one life we've got? I want to run away but never come back. I want to experience this world with my wife without any responsibility. Responsibilty sucks and I'm tired of it. I've tried to play the role of an adult but I want out. I don't want to settle. I didn't settle in my personal life so why should I settle elsewhere?

Say something. Talk some sense into me. Maybe I'm just suffering from the mid-summer delusions or maybe I'm onto something. I don't know, I just don't know.