untitled

holden and i take turns
no time to sleep when so many hurt
take my bed and i'll take your pain
your broken record & your fear
tired but my watch has just begun.

deconstructing me

in order to make sense of the jumbledness that is me, i've decided to dismember my two-ness.

** Special Gift: Warmth and ability to help people feel comfortable
** Self-Definition: "I'm helpful."
** Shadow Issue: Parasitic pride

according to dictionary.com, parasite: an organism that lives on or in an organism of another species, known as the host, from the body of which it obtains nutriment

can i get a hell yes. my shadow issue is parasitic pride and as bitter as that taste is in my mouth, i am grateful i now know it. the funny thing is i've always *known* it but have never allowed it to rise up to the surface and confront it. i do indeed take pleasure through others. whether that be their view of me, approval/dissapproval of me, their successes/failures. i tend to completely forget that i am a living human being and put my needs dead last. i would much rather help my friends and family at my own expense. i was about to do it just yesterday. i was about to other financial help to someone knowing full well that i am in no position to part with money so recklessly. this is my coping mechanism as much as repression is and i must go mano a mano with it. how long can i continue to exhaust myself by doing for others? until others finally notice me? until the abyss of self love is full? can it ever be full if i'm not contributing to it? people like me b/c i'm nice and funny. i have always been nice and funny. hell, i even won best personality award back in 5th grade. i have always been about gaining others' approvals to convert into my fuel. nothing upsets me more than not having everyone on my side or not like me. as i write this, i also realize this is something that i became focused on working on a few months ago and am tediously laboring on changing it. can it be changed or simply modified? so far my work tends to lean towards modification only.

* life task: To move from dependence on approval to knowledge of personal strength to meet one's own needs. This usually requires personal loss. The resulting depression can lead to a more accurate self-assessment and understanding of tasks.

i'm moving, i'm moving as fast as i can without it being bullshit. i could very easily bury my parasitic tendencies and fantasies underground and pretend i'm cured but i know that will only lead to more pain and frustration and more obstacles for my already too cluttered brain to overcome. recognizing this trait is the first step towards conquering it. the 'personal loss' the above statement talks about has been happening to me. i lost the closest person i had; myself. i lost myself to drugs and apathy. i'm steering her back to me now and everyday i like her more and more.

with enemies like me, who needs friends

waiting for my ride to get here to take off for the beach for lunch and started re-reading my blog. why am i so hard on myself? i say i want to write like a world-class writer but why do i say that? am i not a wc writer? why do i compare myself to others? what is this exalted position i strive for? by constant comparison i will only continue to build up the fear and conflict that i am seeking to understand. i have to accept the fact that as much as i would love to express myself a la harvard-educated jane, i cannot. i can only use words to create the most intoxicating prose my mind will allow. limitations and all. i'm not a bad writer but need to improve. enjoy others' writings while not belittling my own.

my mind is calmly processing different thoughts right now. had lunch w/some chicks from work at cruisers. the bestest burgers i have ever had. hands down! the cheesey fries w/bacon bits and ranch dressing were little starch orgasms i want to keep having. during convo, j reminds me that my tl is due to return on monday. along with this information, she proceeds to tell me that she is a bitch, watch out for her and if she picks on you, she will be merciless. the seed of negative/dull ache was planted and was fermenting all day until i came home and faced the oh so familiar gnawing emotional see-saw. i have to admit for whatever reason j intimidates me. of all the tl's she was the lone one who took the efford to introduce herself to me. i have to respect her for that. the feedback i have received from her has been fair and constructive. i have no reason to feel intimidated or fear going to work on monday but i do. why? because my mind captures only the unfavorable data. this is a weakness i am working on. now how do i feel? much better. i meditated earlier and faced this concern. after all, who contols me? certainly not j or j. i control me. the only thing i can do is go in on mon. do my best job possible and give j the same fair chance she extended to me in the past.

what other feelings took root today? mostly sleepiness and a longing & admiration for a certain freckled-face young lass. i owe her a humongous debt of gratitude for the information she has so unselfishly laid on my lap. my blueprint that i will use now.

jrotc can be fun

just got back from my sister's first jrotc competition. it was pretty neat. got up ridiculously early. at 5am after going to bed around 3. so basically took a nap; not really slept. off now to lunch with some girlies from work. should be fun...

continued from below...

this one really is causing me shortness of breath and physicall pain. tears are close to meeting my eyes. how can it be that i've hungered so long for a sliver of hope and now it's safe and saved in my inbox. i'm scared; terrified but now that i have the bow of the nice package and am ripping it off; needing to destroy the mere words and come to understand them.

are we meant to delve into our psyche and attach words and phrases to each feeling and action? am i not at odds with myself by trying to detach from my painful feelings. no. facing those feelings. understanding, accepting those are the keys, the keys, the keys to breaking the feelings and fears and actions that enslave me. the agony of isolation, the refusal to allow others to see the softer side of me. the refusal to allow myself see the real me. i am who i am because i have diluted the goodness in me. i have poisoned my mind with fears, apprehensions, memories of past failures, future worries. what am i accomplishing by continuing to think like this? nothing but letting life pass me by. missing out on the wonderfulness of life. life in the way that defies definition. the hurt that life brings, the good friends life brings, the assholes life brings, the conflicts life brings, the confrontations life brings, life, life, life. i feel the anger and hurt and passion welling up inside of me. want to channel this into myself. me me me. it's all about me. who is me.

me = fears, hatred, bigotry, passive, low self-esteem, vulnerable but refusing to show it, escapist, hypocrite, kind, loving, loved, intelligent, tortured, healthy, scared. wearer of 'i'm alright' smile around people. yearning to be alone; my favorite companion. so much has been laid before me. my mind is working doubleplus trying to process it all. impossible to do all at once. will i sleep tonight? will my hand keep up with what my mind is spewing? will the burning in my gut burn a hole tonight? will i shed my old skin for a raw exterior. will i stop focusing on others and finally throw no not her but myself a crumb. will i take my own advice and learn to love me for me. the present me and not the one i wish to be. the one that is here. not the me that could/should be here. how is worrying about the future helping me now? overloaded and brimming with anger, hurt but cautious optimism too.

Point Two

Point Two: The Program of Helpfulness With Manipulation

Special Gift: Warmth and ability to help people feel comfortable
Self-Definition: "I'm helpful."
Shadow Issue: Parasitic pride
Rejected Element: One's own needs
Addiction: Service/manipulation
Strength Needed: Appropriate self-value (Humility)
Defense Mechanism: Repression
Psychological Disturbance: Hysteria/dependent personality
Talk Style: Help and advice
Preoccupations Include: Gaining approval and avoiding rejection, pride in the importance of oneself in relationships.
Submission to a powerful other, then identifying with the other to avoid feeling depressed.
Concern about limited personal freedom.
Altering oneself to meet the needs of others.
Empathy with others' feelings; adapting to their wishes as a way of assuring their love.
Focus: Personal emphasis on privelege ("me first").
Couple emphasis on aggression/seduction.
Community emphasis on ambition.
Life Task: To move from dependence on approval to knowledge of personal strength to meet one's own needs. This usually requires personal loss. The resulting depression can lead to a more accurate self-assessment and understanding of tasks.

it took me a few attempts to make it thru the whole list. it may me physically turn away from my screen and kind of upset. i'm trying to accept this without any defensiveness b/c this is the essence of me. the fuel that i have been running on. painful and unsettling are my thoughts right now. this is what i need to accept as me; thank you for this blueprint. it's as if an invisible watcher has neatly packaged me and left me to tear it open and find the true gift.
this one really is causing me shortness of breath and physicall pain. tears are close to meeting my eyes. how can it be that i've hungered so long for a sliver of hope and now it's safe and saved in my inbox. i'm scared; terrified but now that i have the bow of the nice package and am ripping it off; needing to destroy the mere words and come to understand them.

The Helper (the Two)

The Helper (the Two)

Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.

How to Get Along with Me

Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
Share fun times with me.
Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
Let me know that I am important and special to you.
Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships

Reassure me that I am intersting to you.
Reassure me often that you love me.
Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Being a Two

being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
being generous, caring, and warm
being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

What's Hard About Being a Two

not being able to say no
having low self-esteem
feeling drained from overdoing for others
not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them
working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

Twos as Children Often

are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding
are outwardly compliant
are popular or try to be popular with other children
act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention
are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Twos), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Twos)

Twos as Parents

are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)
are often playful with their children
wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?"
can become fiercely protective

have you ever had your existence bullet-pointed for you? this is how i feel. down to the last period i.am.a.two. the signifance of the two isn't important. i am the two. when i read this i felt offended, defensive. i felt relief. i knew i had just been giving one of the best gifts i've ever received. herein lies the blueprint to me. the fuel i have been running on as unsettling and jarring as i'm feeling, i so need this to delve past the superficial bs i've been trying to fake myself into believing.

holy frak!

the season 3 premiere of VM is by far the.best.premiere.show.ever. from the very first line to the closing one, it is sublime. the pace is established early with loads of dry, witty remarks coming from the little, blonde annoying one. the interaction at the beginning between Veronica & Keith is priceless:

Keith: "Made any new friends?"
Veronica: "Lord, No!"

Classic. Simply Classic.

We were introduced to 2 new characters; Piz and Parker. I have to confess Piz rox my sox. He's easy on the eyes and has instant chemistry with our fearless heroine. Mama like; mama like. What's to become of LoVe??!! Will Logan ever attend class? Patience grasshopper; you're questions will be answerd in gulp 13 episodes. I know what I'm asking Santa for. A full season!...the only downer, no Weevs!!

happy, happy saturday

PLAY HARD WITH THE LIMITLESS.

enough said...well, except to say that life is only limited by our mind's hang ups, fears, apprehensions, past failures, future worries. why? because we willed it so. fears are keeping me from going for what i want but no longer. krishnamurti's total freedom is helping me lay the support beams while i'm under construction. i'm leaving the crummy bits of the past where they belong and learning to live and enjoy every millisecond of the present. the good, the bad, the love, the dislike; i'm learning to live life.

PLAY HARD WITH THE LIMITLESS.

eclectic thirds book club

Eclectic Thirds’ mission is to bring together an exclusive group of devoted readers and aspiring writers to connect and build a network of friends through literacy, social events and community awareness".

the mission statements says it all. i'm happy i followed my instincts and went to the eclectic thirds first meeting. a more open, friendly group of people i could not have hoped for. there were about 15 or so of us there. added bonus- we got goodies! an oversized coffee mug, candy, a nifty pen and a journal...
sadly none of my selections were picked but i guess the odds weren't in my favour with at least 15 of us there times 3 nominations each. c'est la vie. as i told the group, i'm ready to drink in the new knowledge and step outside the political/history realm that most of my books dwell in. i'm ready to exercise my brain and make it hard for my hand to keep up with all the colliding ideas & thoughts....more importantly i'm fueling my need for social interaction with like-minded peers; something i'm sorely lacking and desperately panting for. who knows, maybe i'll gain the confidence to submit some writing to the workshop our founder, katrina and lynn run. i love lynn already. anybody who professes to love erotica is a-ok in my book.

why didn't i seek these sorts of outlets in orlando? i was consumed with numbing myself. i was more cut off from the world than i had imagined. how much i have missed i can't fathom but i know my old self, the one with stuff to say will come out and i'll be right here ready to welcome her. fear and apathy tethered me to the ground. i feel my soul and body tearing away at the ropes. i can't help but think about holli and how i wish she'd stop smoking. she's an extremely talented singer/songwriter but she too has the wacky weed disease. too much of anything is horrible and i feel ill thinking about the damn 10 years of life i've lost. i also feel the sun and light blinding me. the light i'll follow on my path of recovery.

our first selection is Lost Hearts in Italy by Andrea Lee. According to amazon: Lee's elegantly structured novel about a love affair that destroys a young couple's marriage unfolds through the individual perspectives of the wife, the husband, and the interloper, shifting back in forth between the mid-1980s and two decades later. Whoa. tasty tease.

being in a book store is akin to being in ecstascy to me. i bought two new books and i've started one already and for some reason i'm dissappointed with it.

red and blue god, black and blue church written by becky garrison. her personal treatise on how all politicos regardless of party affiliation soil god's name for their own personal gain. i'm up to chapter 5 and thus far i'm thinking of getting my money back. i was expecting more satire than what's been delivered so far. i was expecting deeper exploration on the subject but in my opinion it seems limited to citing a biblical verse and then a generalized political move. one of the selling points when i picked up the book was the promise of "how american churches are hijacking jesus...and worshipping the almighty dollar". so far the title's the only worthy line..well, no there's a few passages:

pg 33 has a cheeky the christian coalition presidential prayer primer. my fave:

a prayer for when a republican candidate is tempted
lord and master, pat robertson, who thyself wast tempted as i am, yet appeareth to be without sin, give me thy wisdom to partake of my temptations without suspicion. enable me to engage in all evil thoughts and passions, obtain all political entitlements, and to learn, like thee, how to appear holy and righteous, thus blaming all my sins on the democrats. amen.

that's priceless.

my other purchase was recommended by a random borders employee; total freedom by j. krishanmurti...again courtesy of amazon, Warning readers away from blind obedience to creeds or teachers – including himself – Krishnamurti celebrated the individual quest for truth, and thus became on of the most influential guides for independent-minded seekers of the twentieth century – and beyond.

i'm in love with the book already and am ready to start it. keeping with the whole saving the best for last tenet, i was going to finish the other book before this one but screw that. tomorrow i'll get my $20 back and start on this one. it's no coincedence that i've been searching for a crumb to show me how this spirituality and life in general stuff works and bam this book is practically given to me. well, yeah it was. the employee pulled it off the shelf and all. i have a feeling this one will not just answer some questions but will help me formulate new ones to explore. stay tuned...

1944 or 2006?

Henry Wallace's piece from a 1944 NYT's article still rings true today. the parallels are uncanny; but history does indeed repeat itself...

The American fascists are most easily recognized by their deliberate perversion of truth and fact. Their newspapers and propaganda carefully cultivate every fissure of disunity, every crack in the common front against fascism. They use every opportunity to impugn democracy. They use isolationism as a slogan to conceal their own selfish imperialism. They cultivate hate and distrust of both Britain and Russia. They claim to be super-patriots, but they would destroy every liberty guaranteed by the Constitution. They demand free enterprise, but are the spokesmen for monopoly and vested interest. Their final objective toward which all their deceit is directed is to capture political power so that, using the power of the state and the power of the market simultaneously, they may keep the common man in eternal subjection.

a lonely chord without a song..searching for an orchestration where i belong

love that song. a lonely chord by tsunami bomb (r.i.p.) saturday afternoon. meeting up with a bookclub i saw on craigslist in a couple of hours. should be fun. if anything else, i wanna see what kind of people will show up and more importantly what kind of books will be discussed. we're to bring the names + authors of 3 books we want to read. i guess i should think of my 3. so far i have:

Refuse to Choose: A Revolutionary Program for Doing Everything You Love by Barbara Sher. This book sort of just fell on my lap yesterday at work and i've been thinking about it ever since. it will be purchased today. hmmm, what else, what else. how bout

A World Lit Only by Fire by William Manchester. I adore this book to bits. It was *the book* all the cool kids were reading back in 11th grade AP History and has been part of my library ever since. It delves into the medieval mind and actions with such ease and comfort, you feel you're part of the royal court; privee to all the courtly gossip, lust and decadence that isn't covered in history classes. it's a pure delight. all stuffiness and dates-a-rama left at the door, please.

ok, need one more...grrrr, most books i read are all non-fiction/political tomes. i'd love to welcome autumn with a light, fluffy, funny book...finding said book will be my mission maintenant.

get out of my brain!!!

holy shit, look what i found out today. i'm not a freak. i may not be add. i may be normal after all. this book is so on my to buy list.

Are You a Scanner? By Barbara Sher
"I can never stick to anything."
"I know I should focus on one thing, but which one?"
"I lose interest in things I thought would interest me forever."
"I keep going off on another tangent."
"I get bored as soon as I know how to do something."
"I can't stand to do anything twice."
"I keep changing my mind about what I want to do and end up doing nothing."
"I work at low-paying jobs because there's nothing I'm willing to commit to."
"I won't choose a career path because it might be the wrong one."
"I think everyone's put on this earth to do something; everyone but me, that is."
"I can't pay attention unless I'm doing many things at once."
"I pull away from what I'm doing because I'm afraid I'll miss something better."
"I'm too busy, but when I do find time I can't remember what I wanted to do."
"I'll never be an expert in anything. I feel like I'm always in a survey class."

I feel some vindication for how i live my life. thanks to K for pointing me to this. i answer yes to 99% of the questions above. hallefreakingllujah i'm ok. i'm ok.

i heart red stripe

i am buzzed right now. i decided after surviving a full wk at work, i'd reward meself with some delicious & refreshing jamaican lager aka red stripe. i love this shit. the first time i tried it was back in geez, i dont even remember, maybe 2002 or 2001? i had just started dating rhonda and i remember after 2 i was gone. i've always been a light-weight when it comes to liquor. pot was more my calling. ha! i can't smoke anymore though. i smoked a few wks ago when i went back to orlando but felt guilty, stupid and just happy that the weed isn't my life anymore. i must admit it's kind of nice to be buzzed right now. everything is just so *there*. i can feel and hear everything. i have realized over the past few days that i'm so glad i took the trip to orlando. i needed it more than i realized. is there a saying tha tgoes, "you can never go home again"? if so, it's so true. i had a blast with my sister + her kids but more importantly, i realized i don't belong in orlando. my friends h & r are still where i left them and i can't go back there. e is in school and i love her for that. more than she'll ever know she's my inspiration/fuels me. i don't think fear exists in her vocab. she gave me 2 books while i was down there and it kills me that her books are always margin-noted with words she looked definitions up for. ah! priceless that she actually looks words she doesn't know up in the dic. more bonus points for you, e!

myspace posting while buzzed is almost as bad as drunk dialing. thankfully i clicked cancel but hey, whatever i say or do i can always blame the alcohol.

today's hero is...Earl E. Devaney, IG for Interior Dept.

looky looky, a gov't worker that actually has balls to call it how he sees/finds it at the social club interior dept. how refreshing to read this article. oversight is not a pretty word in DC and we have to take every crumb we get. the only question now is what changes if any will happen. will it be a la lobbyists reform following the jack abramoff scandal? what the hell happened to that anyway? oh yeah, wait it's dead. like dead dead? quelle surprise...read on kiddies for some much needed freshness

“Simply stated, short of a crime, anything goes at the highest levels of the Department of the Interior,” charged Earl E. Devaney, the Interior Department’s inspector general, at a hearing of the House Government Reform subcommittee on energy.

the sexiest woman on the planet. period.

frijoles o avichuelas?

random thoughts/

i will never be a gardener. i'll never have a greenthumb. i'm ok with that. like pets, gardening was never shiny enough for me to reach for. if i were to water my lawn more than 2xs a week would i get a ticket? is this enforced? can my neighbours call a hotline and get a reward?
know what i miss? i miss having a work wife/hubby. i remember at other jobs there was that one special person who made it tolerable to be at work. that person who would make my stomach pinwheel and a goofy grin to spread across my face. i'm glad pam and jim are pam and jim.

the world isthisclose to being lost to fundies and crazies! what the fawk with these people who protest military funerals saying it's God's punishment because of the gays? please pretty please explain this one to me. even high out of my mind i can't connect point a to point b.

"My justifications for my fear were merely façades, and I began to believe in my
capabilities."

the one thing that i do know is that i'm in control. whatever i want my life to be, i can make it be. the power to shed the past 10 years of my life. try to not focus on the negative. i must, i must accentuate the positive. i can certainly look over the last 10 years with much love and awe and thankfulness. i met the coolest peeps while in florida. i've made some of the coolest friends i crazy girl could ask for. woohoo for email and text to bridge the geographical gap. i'm so glad i finally let my mind breathe. coming up to jax was coccoon me. i've used this city as my recharging pad. i intend to make the very most out of it. fill my cup up with spiritual, emotional, intimate kool-aid. as scary as the future shouts to me, i have to think of that fab quote from huffpost that encapsulates my current life.

i love blogs. i love that i make an effort to keep one up. it's my way of participating in well, basically life. vegging in front of the telly can only provide a limited amount of enjoyment.

i'm not alone cause the tv's on

a kinder, gentler post. i've been neglecting my tv-holic self but finally got to see a preview of law & order: ci's new season. goren & eames are bad asses! New Cpt will be played by Eric Bogosian and who is Logan's new partner? Julianne Nicholson!!! The cute freckled-faced redhead from Conviction. Yippee! I love her. What kind of dynamic will they have? Can she cut it as one of NY's finest? Milena Govich is now on the mothership as Greene's new partner! Delicious. i'm gonna od on l&o this season. i love alex. she's sexy-sassy.

to ipod or not

holy caca doodee..30gb video ipod for only $249?!! aaaah!! that bitch is mine on friday! i don't think i've ever seen it that cheap..it'll be about $265 or so. i must be the last person on earth without an ipod; hell i don't even have an mp3 player. this gonna be sweet.

thanks for you questions...

so had a mini-philosophical discussion via email yesterday and a few questions stick out in my mind. the answer are not complete of course. just more discovery left on my journey.

1. 
   so, are you agnostic then?

am i agnostic? good question. this is a question i've yet to find an answer for. i know that we try to find anything to grasp at especially with stuff we can't explain so i'll get back to you on that one. i remember taking a humanities back in college and so much of christianity is derived from paganism, i wonder what christians would do if they knew. i love history and reading about the middle ages. my fave part is all of the catholic church scandals. priceless.

2. Where does intuition come from?can one be intuitive without believing in god?

Intuition is built in.. like a built in sensor that can be manipulated/adjusted. some people need to believe in a higher being to cope with life's little jokes ( the unfunny ones)..does this make sense? my brain is full of sweet tea and not making too much sense up here

my brain has a crush

grrr....arrrgh. where is she? the few sarcastic snippets we share fuel me thru the day. gawd, i hope she doesn't have the day off. her mind is a mirror of mine and for that i say yippee!! ou est-elle? kind of cool that these feelings have been reawoken in me. damn. it's the brain, stupid. i have her to thank re: is god a cow? a man? a specific corporeal entity that we can describe? is god a state of mind? a spirit? a belief that we cling to to help us get thru life's jokes? when we take the lord's name in vain do we really? or are we just uttering words? i need to get my ass back in school. i doubt these questions will be answered sitting in a cubicle. yea she's here. the silliest, childish grin is now splattered across my damn face and i like it. the tiniest bit of intelligent stimulation is much appreciated in my world.

hey how 'bout dem tarheels? is moving to NC a viable idea? idn but its up for discussion now. NC is only 3 states away. am i destined to be a life-long east coaster? well, it is closer to the UK and maybe eventually i'll make my way up to N.E. If i ended up in new england, i'd just die (in a good way). we know n.e. is pretty much mailbox bleeding blue.

another huffington gem

this is the reason i read huffpost.com, the way arianna strings words together & makes it look so effortlessly and yet still spot on.

My countryman Socrates said that courage is the knowledge of what is not to be feared. And so often in our lives the things we are most afraid of are actually little more than shadow and fog, illusory manifestations of our free-floating anxieties. As Montaigne put it: "There were many terrible things in my life, but most of them never happened."

montana? they sure know how to party!

HAMILTON - Republican Sen. Conrad Burns told a boisterous crowd in Hamilton on Sunday that he's the candidate for U.S. Senate who is not “a lawbreaker.”

Members of the audience took offense and shouted “psycho” and booed as Burns claimed that Democratic Senate candidate Jon Tester has an illegal slush fund, has taken “unreported” trips to Taiwan, and made illegal phone calls to raise campaign funds. The accusations came after Tester accused Burns of no longer representing Montana values.

mondays suck

seriously. i want to sleep from sunday to tuesday morning just to avoid the hell on earth that is monday. icamethisclose to walking out today at work. it was a gorgeous but somber day. i'm in a pissy mood right now and wish i could just say peace out and go somewhere. hmmm, how bout denver? ha! i'm gonna call my long lost pal from HS in a bit. maybe get a trip out west in my system is what i need. but my most immediate need is to have stupid letty shut up. i envision putting lit dynamite sticks in her gaping hole and just standing by with a stupid grin on my face. gawd, i'm an idiot and want to go lay down. i want to just escape from my house.

yea for prison break at least. this show alone makes mondays tolerable. a new show that i've added to my line up is bones. its what i call a grown up show. no kiddies around. smart, funny and hello can david boreanaz be any hotter?!! not without it being illegal. yummo, yummo.

so who's cuter? kristen bell or doggie

dick cheney, comedian extraordinaire with special guest, condi rice

Asked by “Meet the Press” host Tim Russert whether the United States would have gone ahead with the invasion anyway if the CIA had reported that Saddam did not, in fact, have such weapons, Cheney said yes.

“He’d done it before,” Cheney said. “He had produced chemical weapons before and used them. He had produced biological weapons. He had a robust nuclear program in ’91.”

The U.S. invasion “was the right thing to do, and if we had to do it again, we would do exactly the same thing,” he said.

“The people obviously are frustrated because of the difficulty, because of the cost and the casualties, but you cannot look at Iraq in isolation,” he said. “You have to look at it within the context of the broader global war on terror. ... If Saddam Hussein were still in power, we would be in a vastly worse position.”

hahahaha..oh wait. it's not supposed to be funny? this is one of the war architects with blood on his hands. over 3000 of our bravest dead. scores of iraqis; both innocent and not so innocent. remind me again why did we invade iraq when it was al-qaeda who orchestrated the WTC tragedy. oh yeah, bush & co. doesn't care about the truth. they had their own pre-9/11 agenda and were going to pursue it regardless.

ms rice was on fox doing what this admin. does best; passing the buck

someone said this week is anorexia week on the runway

hey look, aussie fashionistas are as superficial & fat-phobic as ours are. size 12 strutting down the runway?! oh the horror!!!

sunday brunch special

woke up with a wicked headache today. was it the couple of dos equis i had last nite? surely not. maybe though. my body's been clean for so long maybe it wasn't able to handle the double mexican poison. tg for bc powder.. now i can function and share my sunday reading gems.

"Be nice to America, Or it will bring democracy to you."

that's got to be the funniest line i've read in a while. thanks to NPR for this story on how the struggle for womens' rights in the middle east is still frought with obstacles but these brave fighters don't give up. wait till they get a starbucks. then the fight is so on. i'll be front & center with my big bad scythe for that one. a girl can't function without her tall white choco mocha.

parlez-vous deja vu? we're not in CT anymore..they eat their own; pathetic. it boils down to power not party solidarity. this gop stunt to attack the ultra conservative Laffey in blue RI makes me sick. as sick as the bastard dems with all their holier than republicans posturing. give us a break. every single incumbent should be sweeped out of office. the desperation oozing from both sides of the idealogical aisle is at its zenith.

where have all the true populist politicos gone? gone running into the open arms of lobbyists, big business and whoever else really matters. the people? screw the people. our votes don't count any way.

i too am cookie dough

I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking yet. I'm not finished becoming who ever
the hell it is I'm supposed to be. I make it through this, and the next thing,
and the next thing, and one day, I'll turn around and realize, I'm ready. I'm
cookies. And then if I want someone to eat m-er, to enjoy warm, delicious cookie
me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done.

(buffy s7 wisdom)

saturday smorgasbord

i'm about to go to the mall for some good ol' american pleasure spending but can't seem to get away from the heated debate swirling around abc's path to 9/11 turd movie. from what i've found, thinking americans will view this movie with a huge grain of salt and know that tv docudramas are just that; made for tv . manipulation of truth + fantasy writer = boffo ratings? at the expense of truth and understanding. salon has a fabulous opinion piece on this controversy.

thanks to discovery.com i just realized my oh so humble & boring life leaves digital fingerprints all over. i knew using the internet and banks were recorded transactions but the extent to which surveillance and monitoring is intruding in our lives; without our knowledge was a bit of a WTF moment. am i being naive? perhaps but those 'living off the grid' folks don't seem as kookoo to me any more.

a brave new world?

found this nifty thought that i wrote on 02/21 saved on my flashdrive. short + sweet:

..isn't it sad how fundamentalist thinking seems to be everywhere? the same warped thinking that is driving the passion in the muslim world is energizing the kookoo so called christians elsewhere...how can they call themselves christian and spout off hatred towards gays, abortion right supporters, women; all of which are God's children...i read the most wonderful essay yesterday that addresses the split the world is going thru. those who are ready to accept the numerous changes new technology is thrusting upon us versus the old skoolers are desperately trying to hold on to what they consider traditional values that are being squashed by this 'culture of consumerism' we live in...the same crackhead neocons who take the bible and constitution literally are the ones that are making it worse for themselves. the more they try to blanket themselves in the so called good ol' days, the more isolated and marginalized they will eventually become...the good ol’ days were not so good for non-whites..remember jim crow, the inevitably of progress will not be stopped by radicals soiling God's name for their own gain...we live in an ever-changing world where we are breaking down the barriers that used to impede us; internet, technology and the global economy are connecting us to one another like no other time in history...we are truly becoming one world...one world currently in a state of turmoil; a world full of conflicting viewpoints; all of which will be staunchly defended by God's children on both sides until the neocon kool-aid supply is cut off.

can i get a nervous breakdown with a side of bipolar fries

bring on the pain. pain is my constant companion. at least i know i'm still alive cause i still hurt.

She said, "Face your fears and come with me.Take a chance and take my hand so you can see everything you know you'll never have,everything you know you want but fate killed your plans."Fill this hole inside of me,I can't stand the ache this pain is killing me.Those who have suffered will understand that pain is welcome when it's all you have left,come and die with me. Let's see what we can't be.It's a pain I'd never trade for anything.I can smile outside, I can smile and say I'm all right."

Deviates 1, Me 0. This will forever be my theme song. i can't seem to get a grip of life. it keeps slipping thru my extended hand. where does it end up?

so i am a girl after all

orgasmed a wee bit when i saw these shoes.

how bout these??!!!! ambulatory sex. hmmm, $500 for a pair, ring them both up!

the joker is a cool song

i shake, i twitch, i long for more.

buffy withdrawal setting in hardcore.

my eyes well up with teary dew

my scoobies are gone. what am i to do?

spells, demons, werewolves no more

emptiness & grief erupting at my core.

no willow, no xander, no spike, no dawn

the light at the end of the tunnel is gone.

ha! what these cheesy lines are trying to say is that i miss buffy. i miss my friends tremendously. i geniunely crave sunnydale and all the buffy mythology. last night i started veronica mars and although i adore the show, my heart aches for buffy & co. 140 + episodes over the summer is not easy to get out of my system. a woo and a hoo for dvds. i can relive the entire wonderfulness over and over again. i know that i want to already but have to just relish the hours we shared and move down the coast to neptune.

3 episodes into veronica mars and the familiar feeling of *knowing* overwhelms me. the outsiderness, sarcasm and angriness that veronica wears proudly like a badge resonates so loudly in my ears. i am veronica mars. whereas buffy uses metaphors aplenty to explore different life conditions, veronica is human and is me. only blonder, hotter & skinnier. the show itself is new to me as i've missed the beginning of s1 and middle of s2. can't wait to discover what i'm missing.

i hate my computer

i really really do. i just want to shoot it and kick it and throw its bits over the balcony most days. gawd i need a laptop. i need a drink or something. ugh, not happy now.

hmp larkhall

the dreaded day has come and gone. sunnydale summer is now over. awwww. i watched the final episode of buffy's final season last night or early this morning; depending on what side of the clock you look at. cried like a baby. at anya's death, at andrew's just being andrew and being shocked that he actually got to live, at buffy and spike's tenderness. i have to take back all the bad things i've said about s7, this season with the exception of maybe 2 eps (and one of those were written by Joss!)is as good as any others. the first ep of the season, lessons bored me to tears. omg, i can't believe i just wrote that. joss redeemed himself with chosen. the final 4 episodes: empty places, touched, end of days and chosen were magnifique. this is why this show will forever be in my top 2. s7 definitely isn't as dark and downy as s6. it doesn't deserve the scorn that it's gotten. the biggest surprise to me; a pleasant surprise actually is...i like kennedy. i tried not to compare her to tara because that's not fair to either girl. kennedy's brattiness, strength and assertiveness is a good foil to where willow is when they first meet. with kennedy's support, willow is able to let herself go in "the wholesome my girlfriend has a tongue piercing kind of way" and in doing magic. tethering willow and giving her the confidence is kennedy's greatest gifts not only to the witch but to the audience. it gives us our belowed Will back and her growing confidence is matched by kennedys' vulnerability and softness around her. I can't believe i'm actually writing that but i mean every word of it.

uh, as i sit and write this, i wish i could better express my feelings. my vocabulary is quite limited. i need to take a creative writing course or better still get my ass in school to reawaken the creative spark that i know lies dormant in my mind. i don't want it to atrophy and become baggage i carry around. i have enough of that weighing on my shoulders. instead i take call after call while further seperating myself from the other voice on the end of the line. my coping mechanism

have i told you lately that i love you

arianna huffington resides in my head. she must. how else to explain how what she writes is exactly what i'm feeling/wanting to express. read this gem today:

"Fearlessness is not the absence of fear. Rather, it's the mastery of fear. It's getting to the point where our fears do not stop us from daring to think new thoughts, try new things, take risks, fail, and start again. Fearlessness is all about getting up one more time than we fall down."

Master your fear, take risks. Can i take those 5 words and live my life the way I want to live it? I have to. I can't continue to float on by while others are doing the fighting. can't give into these troughs i'm in and need to climb uphill to get to where i know i belong. i need to bite the bullet, stop the negativity and embrace the fact that i have a job that pays decent and others aren't so lucky. this job will be the catalyst to move to sf. i need to just take it one day at a time or else i will walk out.

i fawking luv this song.

new slang by the shins

Gold teeth and a curse for this town were all in my mouth.

Only, i don't know how they got out, dear.

Turn me back into the pet that i was when we met. I was happier then with no mind-set.

And if you'd 'a took to me like A gull takes to the wind.

Well, i'd 'a jumped from my tree

And i'd a danced like the king of the eyesores And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

New slang when you notice the stripes, the dirt in your fries.

Hope it's right when you die, old and bony.

Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall,

Never should have called But my head's to the wall and i'm lonely.

And if you'd 'a took to me like A gull takes to the wind. Well, i'd 'a jumped from my tree And i'd a danced like the king of the
eyesores And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

God speed all the bakers at dawn may they all cut their thumbs,

And bleed into their buns 'till they melt away.

I'm looking in on the good life i might be doomed never to find.

Without a trust or flaming fields am i too dumb to refine?

And if you'd 'a took to me like

Well i'd a danced like the queen of the eyesores

And the rest of our lives would
'a fared well.

hormones are a bitch

when i listen to s-club 7's classic never had a dream come true, it can only mean 1 of 2 things. either i'm in a mood for cheesy delicious music or i'm depressed and want to try to experience any type of feeling thru crap pop. except that it isn't exactly crap pop. it's good to me. guilty pleasures anyone? i'd also have to say tonight, tonight by nkotb is great fun. fluffy fluff fluff fun. nothing wrong with that. i'm back at home and feel kind of numb. my visit was definitely bittersweet. my eyes have been yanked open further. my heart resides in orlando still but my brain and future know that i cannot go back. i can't stay in jax either so i must keep on moving. the visit with my buds and my sister and her kids are great memories that i'm glad i experienced and documented with my new cam. ugh, my hormones are all wonky with pms flavouring and i'm feeling pretty yucky right now. i want to go will go watch buffy for some solace and feeling of belonging. i dread returning to work tomorrow but money is needed. i hope the potentials don't annoy me too much right now. i don't think i could take it. i'll write more about my trip later. for now, another pic i adore

popping my digi-cam cherry

if you squint, you can make out it's our veronica mars

 

still in orlando..

writing from the one and only emilia's house. a true artist with a wicked financial sense. her 2 passions are art and the controlled chaos that is the stock market et al. when she talks about stocks, day trading, porfolios, my eyes glaze over while hers twinkle and radiate. her hands begin to flail with child-like enthusiasm and passion. as b-o-r-i-n-g as i find the numbers game, i love how into this she is. knowing what you want in life is magic. i heart history and english and all the humanities and but she'll have none of that. ha. ying and yang indeed. although she jumps back on board with our hatred of this current administration and need for new blood in DC.

Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter died. Not at the hands of one of his beloved crocs but a fierce animal, the stingray. This makes me sad. He was a good, fun guy with shorts too short but gotta love his passion for this earth and her animals.

Shut the Hell Up, Old Man

One problem in America is that we just don’t respect the elderly and insane the way we used to do, back in … the ’80s or whenever. For example, the Los Angeles Times is very, very mean to Rumsfeld in this editorial:

“One effect of Rumsfeld’s outburst was to serve as a reminder that he is still in office.”
“His speech was vintage Rumsfeld. It was also unfair and, in places, inane.”
“Rumsfeld is obviously unwilling to step down. Could he at least pipe down?” (source)

my favourite mistake

so i'm high right now. haven't smoked in over 3 months. that's an eternity to me. feels nice but not as great as being clean. i don't care to go back to my daily smoking habit. i dreamt that i had, and i woke up feeling utterly sad but then rejoiced because it was just a dream. went to the casino today, blogging from h's house. net loss of only $3 out of $30. i'm cheap, yeah? have some stuff to talk about and write. mainly want to capture my thoughts and keystrokes while high. happy 3 day weekend/labor day/another day.

“After six years they’ve got only fear to sell.’’

Our President continues to think the American public is either

a) paying all its attention to lincoln and michael's escape
b) high on crank
c) more stupid than they were in the 2004 election
d) all of the above

No fear. Dastardly W is here to tell us why oh why the disaster that is the Iraq conflict is actually good for us and our future. Stay the course! stay the course!