birthday that just keeps on giving

where to begin, where to begin?!! today is monday. not just another ordinary monday. today is the first day after my refuckingmarkable birthday weekend. i cannot stop thinking of her. her lips have made permanent reminders on mine of their softness and tastiness. we both want this to work; we are both willing to work and not play our usual cards of sabotage/running away when things get rough. i want to do so much for her. she wants to do so much for me. what we ache for indeed. we have our own city. we have elected a mayor. we have a restaurant and inhabitants. we have each other. that is the best feeling in the world. knowing i am not alone. knowing i have her to cry with, complain with, make out with, love with, get silly with, drink smirnoffs with. i have my rebellious star. i have her...and she has me.

happy birthday to me!

this is the absolute best birthday ever! i turned 29 on thursday and i'm still high from celebrating. k cooked for me. she made sheperd's pie. not just made it but to pass many tests while making it. new peelers, new casserole dish, how long to boil potatoes. straining potatoes?! only she would. and i like that about her. this goes down in history as the bestest b-day i could ever had imagined. the day before she had confessed she had feelings for me and so i was nervous already about having to deal with these in person. what i love about us is that we have always been open and honest with each other and this is not going to change. we talked about our fears, our apprehensions. is this just a phase she's going thru? do we want to take this to the next level and put our friendship at risk? we're both big girls and realize that as with anything, risks are involved. neither one of us want to play it safe. we are slowly building on our already established friendship. we will continue to work at our friendship. as she put it, many people don't commit to their friendships and that's where problems occur. if we go thru this and it doesn't work, i want to know i will still have my friend. she is something i longed for my whole life, i cannot lose her now.

so much to process & memories to linger on...right now i'm still tasting her soft lips on mine. i'm loving 29

ralph? is it ralph?

walking by her cube and whiffs of perfume bombard my nostrils. invoking memories and feelings that have layed dormant for far too long. a few eons ago i may have married her but now, it's enough to smile reflecting back on the good times, good times i've had.

i love me

ha! i was just checking my october posts and i love that my effort is paying off. i tend to have some sort of blog activity daily. love it! this little slice of cyberspace is much needed in my universe. i'm having a great wednesday. we know. we both know.

wednesday wonkiness

blah, blah, blah. yuk, yuk, yuk.
pms'ing hardcore right now. want to do nothing but lie in bed listening to melancholic music. currently bopping my head to green day's blvd of broken dreams. brilliant song. i hate how out of control roller coaster my emotions get. i wanna cry one minute, shoot someone the next and fall into giggle convulsions the very next. grrrr, the price of being a girl.

everglades?

one of florida's many swamps? nooooo. this is the view i get when crossing the bridge to go to work.

fall is in the air

ikiru

i haven't been this scared in a long time and i'm so unprepared so here's your valentine. bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody. this world's an ugly place but you're so beautiful to me.

my stomach is somersaulting with nerves mingled with high anxiety right now. i am going to swallow my fear & convert it into fuel to drive me towards my goal. that doesn't sound right but i digress. i need to stop being chicken and thinking like a kid and just go for it. dude, i'm sitting here in my cube and it just smacks me in the face like a damn truck, i am the one who will need to make the first move. not her, but me. aaaaah!! but aaaaah in a good way, i think. YES! in a hella-great way! invite light / positivity / goodness in. leave the negative bs at the door, s'il vous plais. i'm gonna do it. i'm going to probably be beyond nervous and petrified but fuck it. if i don't do anything, how will i ever know?! this is the time that i shed the old me clothed in fear & apprehensions and just mother fucking do it.

hold your breath. close your eyes. just jump in the water's fine.

living with regret is something of the past. my past experiences cannot colour how i am going to live my life in the now. in the future. focus not on the outcome for if i do that i will surely fail but focus instead on surrounding myself with goodness and lightness and sour creamness! i'll be ok either way. i'm a big girl and open to all possibilities. whether i like them or not, i will have have the knowledge that i.did.it. small victories, baby, small victories.

i didn't want my sunday to end

i didn't want my sunday to end. actually i had a great wkend. on saturday i went to the library, check out some cool cds & movies. later hooked up with my girl, mayra and went to b&n. surprisingly had no coffee but she had panera for the first time and love it. ah yay!

today was spent with k all day. got to her place around 3 and just got home about 20 minutes ago. i had been waiting for this day for over a week and it sure didn't disappoint. on our drive to our destination, i gave her the bad cat book i had bought for her. she loved it. i knew she would. those cats are so freaking hilarious. i told her i thought it would be a good stress reliever for her. yay on me!

we went to riverside. first we drove around for a bit. i showed her my old school, west riverside elementary forever! i love going back and seeing that school. it was the best of times, it was the best of times. ha! we also drove around willowbranch library, the park & olga place. blimey, i love riverside. i wish i lived there now. too bad it was 'wasted' on me as a kid.

we were both hungry so we went to dona maria's for some awesome mexican food. i had flautas & she had a burrito. that food is simply wonderful. authentic mexican flavor & colourful decor. the salsa for the chips is enough to make you want to make sloppy, spicy love to it. delicioso. i'm so glad this restaurant exists cause i'm returning oh so many times. we walked off our happy bellies thru memorial park. overlooking the river, it was the perfect spot for a sunday afternoon. familes were out fishing, kids skateboarding, young christians asking us if we wanted to accept jesus into our hearts; my heart's full, thanks very much. we talked and talked and both shared some deeply personal information but like always, i feel i can tell her so much more than i've ever told anyone. quite surreal. we must have been in the park just sitting on a bench talking for over 2 hours. she had the brilliant idea to get some dessert so we picked up some yummy banana split ice cream from winn dixie & took it back to her place.

i feel at peace when i'm in her place. today was nice cause it was silent. usually she has music on or we can hear outside noises but tonite was just our 2 voices providing all the sounds. i was kinda disappointed when she said she wanted to be home by 9 cause i didn't want to have our day end so soon but of course once we got to her apt, we fell into the comfortable banter we do so well. she had on her striped white & black socks with a striped jersey dress. she looked great & her eyes seemed to be more blue than ever. i love how i can just be myself with her and we both love that we've finally found someone who shares the same interests. spending time with her is mind blowing. i love every second i spend with her and each time i leave her house, i feel more alive and accepted and close to her than ever before. we have a new friend, abby! abby's adorable. in 4 short days will be my birthday meaning i'll get to see her again. she's making shepard's pie for me and that kills me. oh, i had her replay her comp, seduction which gets stuck in my head and i wish i could somehow get a recording of it. it's gonna suck at work cause she'll never walked past my desk again but slayer me will be there to face the sad music. for now, i'll fall asleep with her smiling face & striped socks on my mind.

i love riverside!

monument & something

this has to be the crashiest intersection in the city.

i'm loving this kid. on a whim i picked up this cd at the library today and i'm pleased i did. john stevens' voice is smooth & warm. i can feel he's singing to me alone. i didn't appreciate his talent when he was on ai a few years ago but this is a lovely, embracing album. i don't think he's legal age yet but his maturity is beyond his years. i could sit and listen to this cd all nite & may listen to it all day tomorrow. he's killing me right now; i'm in heaven.

have i told you how much i love the library

taking a detour from my pre-planned saturday for a quick stop at the library to take care of my fines & just revel in its atmosphere. the library and i will forever be best friends. it embraces me regardless of what madness is colliding in my head. it's here with laughter, with tears, with anger and people mag. i haven't picked up a people mag in forever. i've always had a love/hate/hate relationship with this one. i don't like to read it but the shiny & glossy pics always draw me in. i've figured out the formula used for the articles. add a bit of human drama + a healthy heaping of celebrity bs + who gives a fuck fluff and viola: next week's toilet reading de rigeur. can't begin to explain how i got off an this silly tangent but that was kinda fun.

hope to make my way out to st. aug tomorrow nite to see the screening of Iraq for Sale. from the same fab team that brought us walmart: the high cost of low prices. that movie changed the way i look at not only walmart but globalization and economics as well. what exactly is it that we are working towards in our never ending quest for global supremecy, for record profits? we are becoming more and more desensitized from the human experience. we see people not for people but as obstacles that we must get through to achieve our goals. squash whoever stands in the way of meeting the bottom line. cook the books if needed. forget compassion and idealism towards each other. this one world is all we have and instead of feeding off the hate and ambition that is destroying it, what could we achieve if we collectively made an effort to sustain her along with each other. kindness, open-mindedness and understanding is too much to ask?

kat von d is sexy

happily sitting soaking up the monitor juices after enjoying some homemade quesadillas for brunch. yummy! where to begin, where to begin. yesterday was a tres interesting day. k quit. that sucks. i told her i'd miss seeing her freckles every day but i'm oh so happy for her that she's getting out of there and is going to devote even more time to her studies. she bequeathed the cat triumvirate to us...who will throw them at me now? :-(

after i got off work, i went to her house and had another memorable friday. she cooked for us which killed me. delicioso fajitas & potatoes. super good. she danced and sing a bit but last nite was mostly about talkin & me listening. as much as i love the relaxed feeling smoking gives me, it makes me stupid. our thoughts kept missing each other's comprehension stations so many a misunderstandings ensued! ha! i woke up this morning feeling more groggy than i have in a long while and kinda hung over. i know it's def. because of how much i did. i need not to over do it. found out oodles more about her and how she truly is a human receptacle of all sorts of information. she wasn't kidding when she said she has the most favorite sites bookmarked than anyone ever. little things like that make me smile cause it's so her.

i was the deliverer of bad news yesterday to my pal, mayra. i told her i wasn't going to be able to move in with her. especially now that my job isn't wililng to work with students and offer part-time shifts. that's lame with a capital LA. My carefully laid out plan to work PT and attend school FT will now be reworked; the first part of the equation anyway. I'm off to FT status at school regardless. Capitalizing by living at home & not having to pay monstrous bills is what i'm focusing on. thankfully mayra understood where i was coming from and today i'm off to help her find a place to stay. i feel for her cause she's my friend and needs a stable place for her and her boys. wish us monsters.

arroz con gandules

The individual is the maker of the very environment to which he becomes a slave; but he has also the power to break away from it and create an environment that will not dull his mind or spirit.

Can I get a hell yes! The environment in which I was brought up in was a complete fabrication. We were poor. Not dirt poor but poor enough. Hiding that from friends and strangers is my mom's goal; no not past tense but present tense. Come mierda. Like mother/like daughter. The wall that I thought helped me gain leverage and status actually kept me from gaining so much more. I have friends; I have close friends but do they really know the real me? Do I know the real them? Do I know the real me? I've coffee'd w/them. I've gotten drunk w/them. I've fought w/them but how deep have I really gotten w/them? My entire life has been lived behind bloody barriers and now that I need to let others in and myself out, bitter sweetness takes over. How liberating it feels to be open and accept others as they accept me. How terrifying this feeling is as well.

Gentle Readers, This morning as I was checking my email, I received the best gift one can receive on a mundane Thursday; my first comment on my blog! Read on..I came upon your blog during my random sojourn through the "next blog" button and wanted to let you know that I visited, and that I did read your blog. You express your spiritual and psychological turmoil well.

Can you say validation! I'm carving out my little piece of cyberspace for my own musings & rants & raves & escapes but to have someone actually not only read it but take the time to comment and not only comment but positive feedback?!! My head is about to explode I'm so giddy. I am overly critical of my writing and this is another small victory. Small victories, small victories! This will fuel me through today & help me get thru my less than desirable job. AAAAAH! (<-- but in a good way!) Damn, another life lesson learned. Life is too short to overburden myself with self-loathing and defeatist attitudes.

the ants go marching two by two. hurrah! hurrah!

inspiration strikes at work

project runway s3 winner!

is only 10am & already i'm bummed

my brother didn't go to school today because as he put it, "I didn't feel like it". instead his girlfriend, pot-head friend and he are cramped inside his smelly bedroom playing video games & toking up. i can't talk as i enjoy the occasional toke. oh yeah, don't know if i've written about it but cold turkey is way too severe for me. my most recent puff sessions have been weekend only. i may continue this, i may not. not really dwelling on it but i digress. what pains me is that my brother is ridiculously intelligent and he'd rather spend his time doing nothing. this is the 2nd time this week he's missed & he didn't go last monday as well. i can't get caught up in the woe is he trap though. he's going to be 19 next month and he knows how 'the real world' is. he has no job and i don't see any ambition to get a job. i wonder how long he'll live with my mom before he actually does something. it hurts, it really really hurts that i can't shake some damn sense into him but alas all i can do is be supportive sister and let him know how i feel when he does something i don't agree with.

on to brighter news, i am still chasing the elusive perfect cup of coffee. le cafe du semaine est barnie's cinnamon butter cookie. the smell transports me back to 2000 when i worked for them in orlando. ah, those are marvelous memories. the grinding & packing the coffee would make our hands dirty with arabica goodness. our clothes stained with dark chocolate hues but the open atmosphere & kind-heartedness of our fearless leader was an um, cow-send. good times, good times.

will the light reach me

rainy wednesday blues

they grow up so fast. i've just been perusing my little sister's myspace posting and can't pinpoint when she became such an intelligent young lady. her blog is not your typical 15 year old rants about boyz n skool (ugh!). she has an incredibly level head on her shoulders and am damn proud of her. i'm about to go off to watch the season finale of project runway. one of the only shows that i still watch religiously. i hope, hope, hope michael knight wins. he's a brilliant designer and seems like the coolest dude ever. feeling kinda blah & bored right now. i have an obscene amount of free time on my hands and i need to find something to fill it up with before i go mental from all the thinking i do. i think about myself/ where i'm going/ why i'm not there yet/ why i feel i don't measure up to others/ how long will i have to fake it to keep people away/ so much to process and sort out that i'd prefer to lie in bed all day sometimes. i don't know why i get like this. am i making a big deal out of my broken self? does that sentence even make sense? as much as i enjoy writing for writing's sake, i crave more. i crave critiques and i want this to come easier for me. i want, want, want my brain to stop making me feel bad about myself and just accept me for me. with my limitations and strengths. i cannot keep slipping backward after taking sizeable steps forward. is it rainy wednesday blues? no clue but that's what i'll blame it on today. maybe tomorrow i'll face it and try to actual find my answer.

too cute for words!!

awwwww...in ascending order: asha ameritat, leo & merlin. these kitties keep us in line at work

my wake up parade

saw this processsion as i was making my way downstairs and couldn't resist clicking away. some nights their quacking keeps me up but all is forgiven cause they're so damn cute!

tuesday tofu

it is fatal to meet life w/the burden of certainty, w/the conceit of knowledge. b/c after all, knowledge is merely a thing of the past.

I like the above statement. As much as I want to *know*, I also want life to be new & fresh and approach it w/a certain level of innocence. Nothing is more valuable than being awoken by someone's words or actions. Is 'awoken' an actual word? Or is it one I made up? Idn but i like it. I've just been re-reading some of the Krishnamurti quotes in my journal & each one still sends shockwaves through me.

i need to get back to school. i say it often enough and think it every other hour of the day but i really do. my brain is turning to mush just sitting in my cube all day. what will i go for? history? it is my first love but so much is out there. i've given up on having a high paying career; i want contenment. my mom told me tonight she's desperate for me to return to school too. she said she'd even help me. i don't have any excuse not to return. i'm gonna check out the fccj website to see if they've posted any dates for next semester yet. other than that, not too much going on. today was another pretty decent day at work. call volume is unrelenting but again my slayer mentally is helping me conquer them all. seeing k at work is just as nice; if not nicer than ever before. the other girlies there are super cool chicks as well. woohoo for finally connecting with people.

my newest reading journey...

My fave Kerouac gem

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..." On The Road

it's just another manic monday

aaaah...feel nice & relaxed. had an above average day at work. crazy busy with calls as usual but again, letting light in; letting the slayer come out and all's ok. my friend mayra got her sked changed to coming in an hour earlier. that hour makes a huge difference for her kids. yesterday i found one of the most fascinating sites, www.sacred-texts.com. i'm currently reading on jainism. since i'm not currently in school, i need to get my education fix somehow. just wanted to record for posterity the niceness of today. speaking of nice, it was hella nice to see k again. we texted like crazy during the wkend but it was nice to spend some face to face and see her adorable freckles and her smile.

essay question anyone?

"How can anyone find God (the unknown) through the known? All one will find is their own thought's known projections. So to know God (if that's possible), one cannot approach God through the known; through knowledge."

how fab was my friday nite?!

looking over this weekends' posts, i realize i haven't written anything about my friday nite...

spent it with k again. a smile splattered across my face now. it truly was one of the best nights i've had in an awfully long time. i pretty much had my own private concert. k was dancing and singing to various genres throughout. started with some evanescence, kelly clarkson, opera, her own comps, one-hit wonders. it was priceless. i am floored by her. she completely let the barrier come tumbling down and she let me inside her performing world. i am extremely grateful to her for that. its an amazing gift. i'm happy that we were in the same spacial coordinate that night. i'm happy i was able to share her box and experience some lovely moments. laughter was what i was doing for the first part of the night. i had the giggles and they couldn't let up i was having so much fun. we ended the night with me just holding her on the couch. tried to watch some mynetwork tv (eek!) but for the most part, i was just lost in the softness & comfort of holding her. it felt nice. oh so very nice. and safe. and right. nothing sexual but so much closer than i've ever felt to anyone. she's a special gal; can't wait to repeat it.

many a pop-tarts & mustard sandwiches enjoyed here...
this charming little building is where i spent my later elementary school years. olga place in the heart of riverside. i went yesterday with my friend mayra. we only drove around; i wish we could have gotten out and 'explored' my old stomping grounds. next weekend i'm going to go back to visit my old school, west riverside and my favorite place as a kid, willowbranch library. way back then (the late 80's) the children's section was downstairs. i wonder how i'll find the old girl.

delicioso! 

"Try filling your medicine cabinet with marbles. Nothing announces a nosy partygoer more successfully than an avalanche of marbles striking a porcelain sink."

aaah!!! this lady is so fanfreakingfunny! i love her and her bro, David. she had me at jeri blank. i want to live in a world where there is an amy sedaris for every boy and girl. she makes this world an ok place.

my new baby. been playing widit all weekend long. need to buy a bigger chip to fit more music but for now 18 songs rotating in & out will get me thru the week 

sunday doing nothingness

besides wanting to shoot blogger for not allowing me to post pics, all is well in my world. today is my do nothing day. i may go return some stuff i bought at lb but right now i am happily car-less & thus not able to do anything too productive. i also need to find a place that does eyebrow threading but so far i've had no luck finding said service in this city. i'm off now to catch up on this past week's tv. have to get thru veronica mars, svu & ugly betty. ooh, and as an added bonus mythbusters! i'm hungry too but nothing to eat at home. guthrie's anyone?!

what the fawk is up w/blogger

had another good day. went to riverside with mayra. have more than 20 listings to follow up on in the hopes of getting a good rental. drove up and down riverside streets and loved every second of it. today was a wonderfully airy, breezy day. the sky was a brilliant baby blue; not a cloud to spoil the canvas. drove down olga place and took a pic of the duplex i spent my4th & 5th grades in. grrrr, been trying to upload pics but no luck. will try again later.

not sure if rooming w/mayra is the best for me. i found myself getting annoyed at her boys. of course, i would never tell her this. firstly, i avoid all sorts of confrontations & secondly, they're kids. of course they're going to annoy. will i be able to live with them. live with screaming, running, messy boys. wow. in my rush to build the first wall of the new me, i have neglected to build a solid foundation. the foundation sunk a bit today. i have to seriously consider if this will be the best move for me. will i be able to not only financially afford living in riverside, will my nerves & emotional state of mind be able to withstand the chaos?

my mom & botox

at first i thought maybe the kitchen light was illuminating my mom's face in a peculiar manner...getting closer to the stove, i confirmed my worse fear. this unsubstantiated fear i had carried for the past two weeks. my mom got botox. why? oh pray tell why? i am not 50 years old so i can't imagine what age related questions/insecurities come at that stage of your life but dammit, we've lost another one to botulium toxin type a. she was injected just today. her eyebrows are exaggeratedly arched at this point. i know from watching enough tv that they will descend in a few days time. i cannot & will not judge her for doing this but it pains my heart a bit. why is america so vain & concerned with beauty? why not allow age to slowly announce its arrival? creases around the eyes, gray hairs, wrinkles around the mouth should be proudly displayed. notification to the world that you have lived your life and have had many experiences bestowed upon you. hmm, ask me again in 20 years & let's see....

tuesday taco-licious

ha! just didn't have a 'cool' title for this post but wanted some alliteration. who doesn't love some? hmmm, well another good day. fingers hurt from texting w/laine all.freaking.day. found out her first name is holly. finally got a chance to parlez & she is very nice...and very catholic!! yikes, i wonder what her reaction will be when she discovers my agnosticism. have a couple of heartattacks, i'm sure. well i am what i am to quote what she said. her accent is super-southern cute. she seems; what's the word...sweet. maybe too sweet? then again, i've only known her for a few weeks and we've just started chatting so who knows. i have nothing else going on in my life so at least she distracts me. oh my! that is so mean to write. i mean it in a good way, though. meeting new people is what i'm about right now; not trying to get into anyone's pants or start anything new.

ok, so as of today mayra and i are planning on moving in together. saturday will consist of us trekking to riverside to check out different places. ideally a reasonable 3 bedroom/2 bathroom duplex is what we're looking for...w/hardwood floors and a porch...mmmmm. i crave the atmosphere out yonder and hope, hope, hope we can make this work. we both need a place of our own and need to establish some stability & roots in this city. holy shit, i cannot believe i'm actually going to stay in jax. as i write that, my fingers quake with excitement. too funny, too, too funny. as much as i want to buy a new phone, i know i can't. so many expenses to worry about now that i have to be pragmatic w/my $$. must save as much as possible for the move, school, laptop? ipod? new glasses? if nothing else, i WILL RETURN TO SCHOOL IN JANUARY. i must. i have no choice. doing customer service @ my present job will surely lead to soul-suicide.

** update on lost hearts in italy...having some trouble getting into the book. can't pinpoint why exactly but the characters thus far are not grabbing my attention. pretty much put the book down mid-paragraph & not caring too much to pick it back up.

where am i?

just killing time

listening to the decemberists' on the bus mall. it's such a lovely, flighty song. it wraps itself around me with marshmallow arms and i love it. for whatever reason loading my sunday pics is taking ridiculously long. i have to do them one by one to keep from having everything freeze on me. i hate this piece of shit pc. i really do. i started lost hearts in italy today and so far it's ok. the author is quite verbose. her sentences are large & encumbered but make for a different reading experience. i'll continue to read it w/an open mind and see where it takes me.

today was a pretty good monday. i made it a point to leave all negativity and bad vibes down in the pit where they belong and surrounded myself w/positive light & energy only. it worked. besides tackling myself, my biggest obstacle is the monotony of my job. the utter repetitive nature of it paralyzes me into not caring and my mind just leaves my body during those 8 hours. the chicks at work make it more tolerable at least. at the end of the month we should know if we are to be made permanent. i don't see why i won't be offered permanent employment. i received feedback today for the first time in weeks and i'm kicking ass. i truly am a phone slayer. ha! going perm will mean more money but it will also mean having to budget to survive on a bi-monthly pay sked. yikes!

this is my most random of posts. been texting w/laine all weekend. i finally called her today but got her vm. confession time, i was kinda happy. i'm not certain what to say to her but her texts are so damn sweet. it's nice. it's been confirmed she has a southern accent. not too deep but southern definitely. is she a london bridge kind of gal? the day for drinks is approaching and i'm still not sure where to take her although she said she isn't much of a drinker (+3 pts) but loves red stripe! (+10) anyone who professes to red strip love is super ok in my book. another confession, i am just killing time till midnight so i can watch the bitch fight from hell on fashion house! i can't believe i'm watching this cheesy show and i can't belive i actually commited it to this page. oh well, who doesn't love a guilty pleasure.

i'm ok. you're ok.

• Yes, once you trust in your basic goodness, you free yourself from envy and the self-punishment impulse that is at the cause of shameful behavior. Once you accept your goodness it gives you great moral strength.
• Yes, the natural beauty of who you are expresses itself spontaneously once you trust that it is there.
• Yes, once we give up the yearning to be understood we become very understanding of other people's feelings and genuinely care for them. We understand who we are when we understand others. We care for ourselves when we care for others.
• Yes, you are a very creative person. Once you trust in your goodness and creativity it pours out of you when you look the other way.
• Yes, you have always been acceptable and lovable as you are. If there are people who can't see it, it's their loss and not your fault. Give to others the love and understanding that you want for yourself

republicans + the religious right rule!!

As it turns out, Mr. Foley has had illicit sex with no one that we know of, and the whole thing turned out to be what some people are now saying was a -- sort of a joke by the boy and some of the other pages.

hahahahaha! this james dobson imbecile is quite funny. he almost made me choke on my morning cuppa. if this is another one of god's earthly emissaries, can i get a ride to mars?

my downtown adventure

today was such a different day from yesterday. almost as if i wasn't even on the same planet. today was a great, great day. i took my less than average digi-cam and took pics of downtown. mostly of churches & their awe-inspiring spires. i hope to have them up tomorrow. right now i'm kinda sleepy but wanted to make sure to share some thoughts before they evaporate overnite . chip confetti is pictured here. i love how the technicolor chips pop against the drab concrete sidewalk.

i had a newcastle around 6 o'clock by myself at this nifty little place called london bridge pub. as i'm attracted to any & everything english, i went in and was greeted by cute, scene bartenders and pretty chill atmosphere. newcastle has now been added to my list of delicioso cervezas. who knew? and it's a dark ale!! i texted m and k to let them know of this cool stop i found and i ended picking k up for a great nite on the town. we came back to this pub, i had another newcastle, she had a smirnoff. we talked and talked and since we're both light drinkers got kinda buzzed right away. we shared many laughs and goofed off per usual. she somehow found a bookcase full of old, old books and we proceeded to investigate them like the two nerds we are. one was printed back in 1907 and there were others with tattered, yellow pages that must have been just as old or older. we met a cute, cool guy named stuff. ha!

we chilled at the bar for a few hours, walked a bit downtown & ended up where of all places? denny's! ah, old reliable denny's. gotta love this racist place. had my usual super bird. it really was such a damn enjoyable night. no pressure, no need to pretend to be something i'm not. i can be completely myself with k and not fear what she's going to say or judge me. she's pretty neat. and to think, it all started with me going downtown to get out of my house and needing to go to the library. which, hello moved from where i thought it was so the adventure to find it continues...

sunny sunday?

it has to be bipolarism. i woke up today and am ok. the horrible and paralyzing emotions i spent my saturday with are now gone. i'm more clear-minded and getting ready to go out to do some photography/shopping. mmmm, shopping. nothing's better than spending hard earned money on things i don't need. trying to get a couple of new books. one from krishnamurti, bien sur and also will try to pick up an unquiet mind by kay redfield jamison. i think this will help me answer some questions and pose others i need to face.

coffee on a saturday nite

listening to tsunami bomb while high. so far, been high only about 6 minutes and hope this is not some of the truth serum. i hope this stuff isn't gonna augment my desolation. i want to forget for now. although that's the wrong answer and maybe my cloudy mind will come into focus after all.

i hope as it goes on, i will do the requisite jumping from this to that to avoid any sort of reality back-handed slap. my funereal saturday creeps on.

about an hour ago, i was journaling some of my more desperate yet accurate thoughts and laine texted me. a smile came to my face when i read it was from her during my most bloody moments. i should use that as part of the catalyst to get out of my mood but i can't. i cannot. i don't know who or what controls my brain any longer. i am high right now and am kind of freaking out that i've smoked. this cannot under any circumstance become a quotidian habit.

the way that you shine-
your life is your own!
the way that you shine-
you can take control!
the way that you shine-
we don't want you to go!

simple chorus/endless power.

taking one of many krishnamurti gems i am trying to wear, i will focus on the *now* and not think about the past nor worry about the future. i will enjoy my momentary present condition & allow tomorrow to come with unspoiled promise.

I can't hold this smile. I can't hide this pain.

i really thought i'd have a new theme song by now but um, not so much. come w/me by deviates is the accompanying score as i sleep-walk thru life.

she said face your fear and come with me.
take a chance and take my hand so
you can see everything you know you'll never have.
everything you know you want but fate killed your plans.
fill this hole inside of me.
i can't stand the ache this pain is killing me.
those who have suffered will understand
that pain is welcome when it's all you have left...
the list of wrongs I write no one can read.
I know the scars are shared but we can never speak.
I can smile outside, I can smile and say I'm all right.

this fucking song encapsulates all i want to say. all i feel.

i can to an astounding revelation while i was in the shower; the only place i can have some privacy. i have lost the last 14 years of my life. i have numbed myself and runaway from my feelings for so long, i do not the coping mechanisms to understand them. they're there. erupting thru my skin and leaving bleeding, pussing sores but i don't know how to alleviate the pain. it has to be permanent cures or a multitude of palliative remedies that i will fool myself into believing are long term. i cannot go back on meds. i tried that shit for awhile but it only added additional layers of padding to myself. no feelings in/no feelings out.

what is wrong with me

i cannot shake the excrutiating need to cry
till all my hurt slides down my cheeks.
their well traversed paths invisible to all but myself.
can't even give a reason for this.
just know something is wrong with me &
no one can help me.
not even myself.
my mom is distracted.
my brother in his own world.
aloneness, my constant companion no longer consoles my wounds.
scars over scars i wear as tattoos.

book club fun begins

received the first to read book today.
all i have to say is i hope it doesn't suck. it really isn't my type of book but this is the reason i joined the club. to explore other forms of literary adventures.

tfgif

* 2 people fall in love at 19. spend the next 40 years together and are finally able to marry after 38 years. heartbreakingly, sweet story. thanks npr. these 2 ladies are so cute together. you can still see the love that bonds them. i don't think i will ever understand how society looks down and condemns love between people. what does it matter who i fall in love with? a man, a woman? how does my private life concern you? it doesn't, does it. doesn't stop those holier than thous from trying to inject their tainted view of morality into my life. 40years together. i'm just trying to get through 40 days.

* npr has broken down the key senate & house races for us lay folks here. oh npr, how i love thee.

* breaking news: if harold ford, jr bests bob corker in the tn senate race, ford will become the first african-american from the south since reconstruction elected to the senate! wow. that's unbelievable considering it's been about 140+ years!

more questions that won't leave me alone

what is meant by shared experiences? if each person's life is unique, can we ever share an experience? will seeing a scary movie provide the same adrenaline rush to me as it will to him? what if we could eliminate all outside influences and variables and in a controlled experiment allow 2 individuals to go thru the same occurence; would that be a shared experience. or just a limited shared affair w/in the experience. why has this popped into my head? why do we not get along with each other if our time on this planet is so short. we don't we make the most of it while we're here. what am i meant to do with my life? going back to school to study history is a reoccuring theme these days. i crave some good ol' fashion book learnin'. sitting in class and letting the lecture drizzle over me like a refreshing spring rain.

The Arrow And The Song

i remember learning this poem in elementary school and although poetry and i don't get along, this one has always had a special place in my heart. maybe because it's simple, short and feel-goody.

I shot an arrow into the air,
It fell to earth,
I knew not where;
For, so swiftly it flew, the sight
Could not follow it in its flight.

I breathed a song into the air,
It fell to earth, I knew not where;
For who has sight so keen and strong,
That it can follow the flight of song?

Long, long afterward, in an oak
I found the arrow, still unbroke;
And the song, from beginning to end,
I found again in the heart of a friend.

by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

wacky wednesday

just got back from barnes & noble. 11 o'clock and kind of wired after downing my beloved white chocolate mocha. i am seriously addicted to krishnamurti. he said not to focus our attention and needs on a leader but dammit this man's words make me salivate. i want more more more. i resisted the urge to spend though and walked out empty handed...now come friday, that's another story. i was able to jot down two passages that i want to further explore

1) Liberation from Ignorance & Sorrow:
No authority here or hereafter can give you knowledge of yourself, without self-knowledge there is no liberation from the ignorance; from the sorrow.

2) The Screen of Belief:
Belief is merely an escape from the fact of confusion; it doesn't help us to face & to understand the fact but to run away from the confusion we are in. So religion, which is an organized belief becomes a means of escape from 'what is' from the fact of confusion.

I agree completely with both statements. Without knowing me, I cannot know the world around me. I need to not just know but understand. understand and not judge. i find i am mentally chastising myself when judgmental thoughts creep into my psyche. will enough scoldings help me with this? or again is it just a cover up remedy? i've neglected myself for so long i am having trouble removing the barnacles. so much i have to get thru. so much i've yet to explore. am getting tired and forgetful. can i lie down and make it go away. surely not today. i wanna live. i wanna love. but have no faith in anything. if i can't love who i'm supposed to be, how can i ever truly be free. crappy day 1, me zero

now I remember why i don't like people

from the you have got to be fucking kidding me file, this crazy mother trying to ban Harry Potter books b/c they promote evil?! has this narrow-minded git even opened the cover of one? grrrr, thanks to these books loads of kids and adults are reading. and reading damn good books that promote love, friendship, personal strength and overcoming all sorts of adversities. here again though a so called christian is being all judgmental and trying to impose her backwards morality on others. fuck em all i say. and keep your kids the hell out of the library if you object to these evil books.

looky, looky what i found out

hi. my name is d & i'm codependent. many codependents equate love w/pain...well, duh. isn't love the same as pain? how can one exist without the other? why is this such a revelation to me? love is pain is love, no? yes! unbreaking this bond is going to take some time for me. if can even break it. love and pain have always co-existed in my universe. from my crap relationships to my parents to siblings to friends. everyone has let me down in their own special way. i'm sure the pedestal i put everyone but myself on doesn't make their betrayal any less stinging.

i am codependent. that bombshell still rings in my ears. never in a bizzion years would i have thought to use that adjective to describe me. i've certainly used it during my amateur shrink hour but moi? no way! a great deal of what i'm reading though is oh so freaking true. i measure my self-worth by how others view me. does she/he like me? did i make them smile or laugh? i would much rather be known as 'the funny one' than to let people *know* me. thinking back over my whole, life it's no wonder i've always just been hanging around the periphery. i was too consumed with acting cool and keeping my problems in check that i kept adding more and more bricks to the impenetrable wall around me. all my life i've never been able to get or allow people to get close to me. the punchline is of course, that these are the same people i derive my happiness from. i recognize i am co-dependent but at the same time i see & feel the chains i use to attach to others is slowly being pulled apart. clumsily & methodically but off it will come.

can this be cured? or will this become another exercise in modification? when i have thoughts of her or him or whatever pop in my head, do i shove them out and replace them with 'non co-dependy' thoughts? isn't that just as bad? using the too familiar cover up effect? am i destined to just learn to live with this? i don't want to be like this. i want to focus half of the energy that i use to focus on others on myself. why is it so hard for me to accept and love me? i can't look at a pic of myself w/o critizing. i can't look at my previous posts w/o cringing at the misspellings but i will not go back and correct them. i correct them as i write but i will not go back and edit spelling errors from months ago. point me. i want to take a break from my brain for a bit. i wish i could just turn it off. it makes me dizzy and my stomach feels all funny now. codependent and scared and unhappy with my progress am i. need to go reread my hand written journal for some inspiration. need to feed my soul with some reading. can't sit here and keep writing cause i will just depress the hell out of me. i'm a good person dammit. i have people who love and care for me. i have my health, i have shelter, i have a job, i have some money in my pocket. why can't i focus on the positive and leave the negative behind at least for a few freaking minutes. because i'm me and this is how i've managed to wire my brain. untangling the loose wires is on my to do list. i'll get to it, i'll get to it.

i'm conceited

i hate myspace 98% of the time but that seems to be the social network of choice for my peeps so begrudgingly there i go. what i find annoying & fascinating at the same time is the choice of music they choose for their pages. me? i have a nice, jaunty neutral milk hotel diddy. my music taste is obscenely snobbish so i must turn off all r&b & pop crap. ha! my musical tastes are oh so refined i can't let my ears hear anything too 'mainstream'..i'm so full of it.

where have i been? oh yeah, my head

wow. i've been so busy getting to know me, that i decided to catch up on the news this morning and dammit what the hell is going on?

* what does one wear to accept the nobel prize for physics? big bang theorists rejoice!!

* shooting at an amish school? i can't wrap my head around this one. amish schools were the last bastion of safety not gun play; well as least i thought so. third school shooting in a week's time? this is why i don't read the news. where are the nice fluffy inconsequential articles?

* speaking of scary, can't decide who gets that award in the nuclear arms race category. for your consideration, North Korea.

* how to build a nuclear bomb 101.

somebody's got a case of the mondays

just got home from helping my friend m move some stuff into her new place. not yet 11 pm and i'm already tired...was gonna write about today but my nice comfy bed is calling my name in all different tongues. must.be.strong.cannot.give.in...mmmm, sleep. sweet, sweet sleep.

i love japan!

chocolate beer..mmmmmm


*the* son of *the* bitch?! well, search is finally off. we've found him! come on down to claim your rightly deserved title.


diet water? here i was guzzling evian all these years; no wonder i never lost any weight...

epiphanies 'r us

God is:

a) God
b) myself
c) fake
d) dead
e) none of the above

I am still not concrete convinced this can be answered. Last nite during Coldplay's brilliant performance on PBS, I had one. A big one. I am Agnostic. There's not enough convincing evidence from either side to permanently sway my opinion. I can't say God in the way we try to define him/her/it exists. I just don't know. No one knows...or do they? Well, there's your problem; NO ONE KNOWS. I don't care if you're the pope or pagan follower, no one can rest their case. Admitting this to myself and then to paper and now to this page is surreal yet liberating. I've been hungry for so long, I am now piling mountain-sized helpings onto my buffet plate. So much lays before me, my eyes ache at the overabundance yet my mind wills me to eat. Suffering from starvation was I.

Is God just an idea/an escape; a projection of ourselves clothed in certain forms of nobility & holiness that we cling to to make it through life? Are we diluting our intelligence with the whole "well, this is beyond my puny brain. I can't comprehend it so it must have been created by a higher being". If that's the case, surely we will never know of God. How is it possible that our minsicule minds with all the shortcomings, hatred, judgments can comprehend something as all encompassing as the Western definition of God? Why is God restricted to just the good and just? Must we follow his Son's teachings to make his acquaintance? Are we predestined to be either "good" or "bad"? Where does free-will fit into this preordained scheme? If God created this world, is not everything infused with his spirit making him everywhere. Are the flowers & streams & fallen heroes not worthy of our & God's love and admiration? If he created us in his image, why do we not love ourselves and love our fellow man & our planet? Is this idea just a story told many centuries ago to compete with other mythologies and to provide an escape from political & social persecution? Is it a fable the poor & sick cling to in hopes of being rewarded in the afterlife as has been promised? Is the longing for this afterlife contrary to the idea of not coveting what you don't have? How do we know our Christian teachings are right? What about Eastern thought where the empashis is on the man more than some non-corporeal being. Have they been wrong all along? Are they going to hell? Are we going to heaven? What exactly is heaven & hell? Living in this world is hard & turbulent; cold and painful; is this not a version of hell? Spending time with friends and loved ones result in true contenment; is this not a version of heaven. Why do I say 'version'? Because we have been taught since Sunday School that we are preparing for something greater; something we cannot comprehend...or are we? Theses are questions I am eager to decipher.

chutes too narrow

1. Face the prison I am living in without any self-defense. Without seeking escapes from it.

The bars to my prison are titanium steel bastards that nullify any new information from getting in and restrict all information getting out to preapproved data only. I've had almost 30 years to build these barriers to seperate myself from others. Monstrous cylindrical bars composed of the hardest, cruelest and most contagious matters known to man. A liberal helping of angst, apathy, apprehension, loneliness, lack of self-love, laziness, mixed with an undefinable superiority complex and geniune care for others make up but a small measurement of the cell I've been living in. The supporting beams are mere shadow & illusory manifestations of the inummerable fears my mind mass-produces. The dichotomy that I am caught up in is not lost on me. I titled my blog, misanthrope because I am a follower of that ism. Misanthrope is defined as "a hater of humankind". I agree but I don't agree. I am permanently forked in that I don't care too much for people yet have a deep and unexplained love for them. I take no greater pleasure than helping others with their problems and pains; all the while ignorning my own, of course. My so-called love is reserved for the elderly stranger I see waiting for the bus, the young woman walking with grocery bags in one hand and holding her young child's hand with the other. Rarely does this love extend to me actually making the effort of getting close to these strangers. If you are lucky enough (ha!) to get my attention, I will then shower you with love. This love will probably reside inside my head and I will try not to let it make too many appearances for I don't want you to know that I need your approval desperately to make myself happy. This is one of my many addictions. Feeling better about myself through others' glasses.

My problems are my own and unless I grant you special permission to enter my barred cage, no one will know of them. My bff's don't know the real me and I've let them into my cell repeatedly. My problems are my problems alone and that's how I'd like them to remain. They are my security blanket, my constant companions. Burying them is the propellant I use to get through my days. As I write this I can't comprehend how I've been living. I seek only palliative remedies to my headaches; never seek a cure. Maybe if I run away enough times, the cure will turn out to be this running away; but of course I know that's wrong. It's been wrong and will forever be wrong. The only way I can be happy is to not just face my fears but to accept them. Understand them. Use no judgement; use no condemnation.

" The mind will always create problems; but what is essential is that when we make mistakes, when we are in pain, to meet these mistakes, these pains without judgements, to look at them without condemation; to live with them and let them go by." (Krishnamurti Total Freedom p203).

To live with them and let them go by..with no condemnation; with no judgement. This is the quest that I am embarking on. As minute as letting spelling errors be, this is a small but necessary step I need to break free from my prison. My own version of Prison Break where the star is Me and my costars are all the panic & phobias I have turned my back on for so long. If I don't discern who I am, how am I really contributing to my life and others? Yes, I am helpful and love to give but each time I give I am tearing more of myself out and slowly draining myself of life and vitality. It is time I balance the giving to others with giving to myself. Not superficial & materialistic goods but look within myself and give what I need. I need to pay attention to my emotions, my intellectual & spiritual hunger. Filling this void with another crush or another religious design makes for just another bandaid covering; the deep festering wound is still underneath. Stop trying to find solutions and answers through others and look in for the results. I cannot be sure I will like what I find but it is *what it is* and I will accept it and it will accept me and I will then live.